26milestogo

It's been a month since I last updated (that sounds a little like my old Catholic days - "Bless me Father, for it's been one month since my last confession!")

One totally awesome, terrific, super-deluxe event: I WAS ABLE TO DO THE PEACHTREE ROAD RACE on July 4th — FINALLY! We used to run this Atlanta 10k road race (the largest road race in the world – 60,000 participants) every year. Up early 4th of July morning, leave the house by around 6 - 6:30 am, MARTA transit to Lenox, sit on the warming pavement until time for your group to start – usually around an hour after the elite runners have already completed the race, do the best you can to zig & zag thru the throngs of other runners/walkers to Piedmont Park to pick up the coveted Peachtree Road Race t-shirt that has become the biggest thing around!

For the past 10+ yrs the 4th of July has come & gone and I've not been able to do the Peachtree. Every July 4th would be another reminder of where I was & where I am. Usually spent the day trying not to get too down but usually ended up in tears & grouchy. A time or 2 we got into the race, hoping to feel good enough to just walk it. Managed that once early on but not since. Last year we got numbers and I thought it might actually work out. But the day before I got an attack of a kidney stone! Bob & Robyn took MARTA all the way to the finish line to at least get the t-shirts. I do like having the t-shirt but I really like being able to EARN it.

This year the Atlanta Track club decided to have registration online rather than by mail after getting application from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution Sunday newspaper. We didn't know about the change so missed sign up. They reserved a few spots for mail in applications. We got one # and was able to buy one at the last minute from someone who wasn't going to be able to use theirs. Then about 6 weeks ahead I got this nasty sinus infection. Not usually much of a problem except that is has yet to clear up. It got better – it was on one side only – but has now spread to the other side. It's still hanging around in both but it wasn't bad enough to keep me from being able to run/walk the race. Even the bladder infection that also showed up & threatened to keep me home didn't stop me altogether. Wasn't sure it would be possible until a day or 2 ahead.

But the stars & moon lined up just right, my body, for the most part, cooperated and it worked out!!! I AM GETTING SOMEWHERE!!! Actually ran the 1st half of the 6.2 miles, walked the rest. Felt great afterwards even. Only part that was difficult was AFTER. The long, long, long, long walk back to MARTA then MARTA's inefficiency that made the trip home a bit close to miserable. But it couldn't dampen the excitement of actually being able to not just do the Peachtree but actually run half of it!!!!

Later in the day we enjoyed a great neighborhood BBQ in our cul-de-sac, left around 10 pm since we'd been up since very early. A memorable 4th of July!!!!

CHAPTER 3 — WHO YOU ARE

Thoughts Are Things:

• are measurable units of energy.
• are biochemical electrical impulses
• are waves of energy that penetrate all time and space
• are powerful

*** Thought is action in rehearsal. *** ~ Sigmund Freud

• Every single thought you have is a statement of your desires to the universe.
• Every single thought you have generates a physiological change in your body.
• You are a product of all of the thoughts you have thought, feelings you have felt, and actions you have taken up until now.
• The thoughts you think today, feelings you feel today, and actions you take today will determine your experiences tomorrow.
• It is imperative that you learn to think and behave in a positive way that is in alignment with what you ultimately want to be, do & experience in life.

*** The game of life is the game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy. *** ~ Florence Shinn


Thoughts Affect Your Body:

• Your body reacts to your thoughts - exmp: lie detector
• You have physiological reactions to EVERY thought you have
*** Every single cell in your body is affected by every single thought you have! ***

** I admit thoughts influence the body. ** ~ Albert Einstein

• Important to learn to thing as positively as possible.

Negative thoughts:

• are toxic, affecting your body in a negative way:
• weaken you,
• make you perspire,
• create muscular tension,
• create a more acidic environment within your body,
• increase likelihood of cancer (cancer cells thrive in acidic environment) & other diseases
*** Negative thoughts send out a negative energy vibration & attract more experiences of the same vibration. ***

Positive thoughts:

• affect your body in a positive way;
• make you feel more relaxed;
• more centered;
• more alert;
• stimulate the release of endorphins in the brain;
• reduce pain;
• increase pleasure;
*** Positive thoughts send out a positive energy vibration that will attract more positive experiences back into your life. ***

*** It has been proven now scientifically that an affirmative thought is hundreds of times more powerful than a negative thought. *** ~ Michael Bernard Beckwith


Your Conscious And Subconscious Mind:

• We are aware of conscious thoughts;
• important to become aware of subconscious thoughts as well;
• subconscious mind runs the show;
• constant negative tapes playing in our heads are continually sending out negative messages;

MUST: learn to reprogram subconscious mind & transform negative internal thoughts into healthy, positive ones.

• look closely at beliefs & self-image — work on eliminating any limiting or negative ideas;
*** negative self-talk is like a type of static, or interference on a phone call — it will interfere with, distort, and even block the frequencies of your positive intentions. If not removed, it will reduce ability to create & manifest desired future. ***

** Sometimes you've got to let everything go... purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything... whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self comes out. ** ~ Tina Turner

Many of us have a fairly stubborn tendency to hold on to our old negative thoughts and self-images. It's our comfort zone—we've become accustomed to our familiar concepts of reality, and we tend to get stuck in our subconscious beliefs of inadequacy, fear, and doubt. Most of these limiting thoughts & feelings stem from past incidents, beliefs, & experiences that we've internalized over the years & turned into our personal truths. These negative concepts can sabotage us and keep us from realizing our fullest growth and potential unless we make a conscious decision to address them, release them, and let them go.

Exmp: like driving car with parking brake on. Limiting thoughts, feeling, & behaviors - like type of psychological parking brake - will drag you down & slow you down unless you make committed effort to let them go & replace with more positive thoughts & beliefs.

• Must step out of comfort zone - release negative mental programming - in order to make room for positive, healthy self-image & belief system.
• will shift energy vibration & allow you to more easily & effectively attract positive energy & experiences you desire in life.

*** Beliefs are just your habitual thoughts ***

Can be changed through:
• affirmations,
• positive self-talk,
• behavioral changes
• visualization techniques

*** What the mind of man can conceive and believe, the mind of man can achieve. *** ~ Napoleon Hill


Your Conscious Mind:

• that part of you that thinks & reasons;
• used to make everyday decisions;
• free will lies here;
• decide just what you want to create in your life;
• can accept or reject any idea;
• no person or circumstance can force you to think consciously about thoughts or ideas you do not choose;
• thoughts you DO choose will eventually determine the course of your life;
• with practice & disciplined effort can learn to direct thoughts to only those that will support manifestation of chosen dreams & goals;
• conscious mind is powerful but is the more limited part of your mind;
• has limited processing capacity
• location of short term memory (about 20 seconds)
• has ability to manage 1 - 3 events at a time
• impulses travel at 120 - 140 mph
• has ability to process avg. of 2000 bits of info/sec.


Your Subconscious Mind:

• much more spectacular;
• referred to as spiritual or universal mind;
• knows no limits except those you consciously choose;
• location of self-image & habits;
• functions in every cell of your body;
• the part of mind connected to HIgher Self at much greater level than conscious mind;
• you connection to God, Source & Universal Infinite Intelligence;
• has expanded processing capacity;
• location of long term memory (past experiences, attitudes, values, beliefs)
• has ability to manage thousands of events at a time;
• impulses travel at over 1000,000 mph
• ability to process avg of 4,000,000,000 bits of info/sec.;
• is habitual & timeless;
• works in present tense only;
• stores past learning experiences & memories;
• monitors all bodily operations, motor function, heart rate, digestion, etc.;
• thinks LITERALLY;
• accept every thought that conscious mind chooses to think;
• has no ability to reject concepts or ideas;
• *** that means we can choose to use our conscious mind to deliberately reprogram our subconscious beliefs, and the subconscious mind HAS to accept the new ideas and beliefs; it can't reject them. ***
• far more powerful than conscious mind;
• exmp: like an iceberg with part above water as conscious mind (aprx. 1/6 of mental capacity) & part below water as subconscious mind (5/6 of mental capacity)

*** We can make a conscious decision to change the content of our subconscious mind! ***

When operating from conscious mind (typical) are using only fraction of true potential
• conscious mind much slower & more cumbersome than subconscious mind.

Goal:

• learn to tap into vast power of subconscious to use it to our advantage
• Each day must "check in" with subconscious

Daily time spent quietly without any external distractions will strengthen our connection to who we really are:
• affirmations
• visualizations
• prayer
• contemplation
• meditation
• gratitude
• appreciation
• use of positive focus techniques

Subconscious mind can take us where we want to go – help us reach our goals faster, easier than conscious mind.

Connecting with and utilizing amazing speed, power, & agility of subconscious mind can begin to use Law of Attraction in deliberate way to more effectively attract & create results we desire.

*** Within you right now is the power t do things you never dreamed possible. This power becomes available to you just as soon as you can change your beliefs. *** ~ Dr. Maxwell Maltz

CHAPTER 2 — WHAT YOU ARE

You Are Energy.

• made of same stuff as sun, moon, stars – intelligent energy.
• made of cell —> atoms —> subatomic particles —> ENERGY!

Energy:

• All matter – everything - is energy
• cannot be created or destroyed
• is the cause & effect of itself
• is evenly present in all places, at all times
• is in constant motion & never rests
• forever moving from one form to another
• ENERGY FOLLOWS THOUGHT

* There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle. * ~ Deepak Chopra


You Are Connected:

• You are connected to everything & everyone
• You are a completely unique piece of a much greater whole, an integral part of the cosmos.
• You are a ball of energy in a much larger energy field.
• You are part of a much greater power; you are part of God.
• The wisdom of the entire universe is yours for the asking.

Exmp: internet — can't see or touch it but know it's there - an invisible energy connection that links us all to each other.

Finishing sentence, saying something same as another at same time, receiving a call from someone thinking about is not coincidence, it's connection - picking up on their INTENTION even before action had taken place. Thoughts travel thru time & space. Connection with others - able to pick up on energy of thoughts & intentions.

* Because of the Law of Attraction, each of you is like a powerful magnet, attracting more of the way that you feel at any point in time. * ~ Esther & Jerry Hicks


You Are A Magnet:

• literally attract the things, people, ideas, & circumstances to you that vibrate and resonate at the same energy frequency as yours.
• Your energy field changes constantly, based on your thoughts & feelings
• the universe acts like a mirror, sending back a reflection of the energy that you are projecting.
• the stronger & more intense your thoughts & emotions are, the greater the magnetic pull becomes.
• doesn't require effort - magnet doesn't "try" to attract anything - same with you.
• You are always in the process of attracting something into your life.

Your life at this very moment is the result of everything that you have ever thought, done, believed, or felt up until now. Start now to consciously and deliberately attract whatever you desire in this lifetime. You can attract people, resources, money, ideas, strategies, circumstances—everything you need to create the future of your dreams.

*** All that we are is the result of what we have thought. *** ~ Buddha


You Are Powerful:

• You are far more powerful than you realize.
• You are creating everything in your life.
• Once you fully acknowledge this, and take responsibility for it, you can do ANYTHING that you set your mind to.
• You are the author of your own life, and you can choose to take it in any direction you wish.

** You have the ability to change your life. **
** You have the ability to create your desired future. **
** You have unlimited potential! **

*** Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen *** ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

CHAPTER 1 — LAW OF ATTRACTION

*** "To trust in the force that moves the universe is faith. Faith isn't blind, it's visionary. Faith is believing that the universe is on our side, and that the universe knows what it's doing." *** Author Unknown

Pg. 7

The Law of Attraction:
• is the most powerful law in the universe.
• just like gravity, it is always in effect, always in motion
• is working in your life at this very moment

*** You will attract into your life whatever you focus on. Whatever you give your energy and attention to will come back to you. If you stay focused on the good and positive things in your life, you will automatically attract more good and positive things into your life. If you are focused upon lack and negativity, then THAT is what will be attracted into your life. ***

*** You are what you think about all day long. *** ~ Dr. Robert Schuller

*** You are ALWAYS in a state of creation. You always have been. You are creating your reality in every moment of every day. You are creating your future with every single thought: either consciously or subconsciously. You can't take a break from it — creation never takes a break. Creation never stops. ***

The Law of Attraction never stops working.

Pg. 8

*** To let life happen to you is irresponsible. To create your day is your divine right. *** ~ Ramtha

How it works:
• Like attracts like;
• If you are feeling excited, enthusiastic, passionate, happy, joyful, appreciative, or abundant, then you are sending out positive energy;
• if you are feeling bored, anxious, stressed out, angry, resentful, or sad, you are sending out negative energy;
• the universe will respond enthusiastically to both of these vibrations. It doesn't decide which one is better for you, it just responds to whatever energy you are creating, and it gives you more of the same.
• you get back exactly what you put out there.

*** Whatever you are thinking and feeling at any given time is basically your request to the universe for more of the same. ***

*** Because your energy vibrations will attract energy back to you of the same frequencies, make sure you are continually sending out energy, thoughts, and feelings that resonate with what you want to be, do, and experience ***

*** Your energy frequencies need to be in tune with what you want to attract in your life. If love and joy are what you want to attract, then the vibrational frequencies of love and joy are what you want to create. ***

Examples:
• It's a lot like transmitting & receiving radio waves. Your frequency has to match the frequency of what you want to receive. You can't tune a radio to 97.8 & get a station broadcasting on 99.5.
• When you strike a tuning fork you activate it to send out a particular sound or frequency. In a room filled with tuning forks—only those that are tuned to the exact same frequency will begin to vibrate in response. They automatically connect & respond to the frequency that matches their own.

Pg. 9

Your energy has to synchronize with, or match, the energy frequency of the sender. You have to keep your vibration tuned to a positive frequency in order to attract positive energy back to you.

Tune yourself to resonate at a frequency that is in harmony with what you want to attract.

To create a positive future, you need to keep your energy, thoughts, and feelings in the positive range.

*** Manage your thoughts and emotions — maintain a vibrational match for what you want to attract — choose a positive respond instead of just reacting to situations in you life. ***

Don't just react automatically & unconsciously to the things & events that take place around you. Becoming angry, frustrated, or upset to things that happen to or around you is unconsciously reacting to a situation. Your negatively charged thoughts and emotions are automatically placing an order with the universe for more of the same negative experiences. Instead, consciously responding in a more positive way will create a more positive outcome.

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." ~ Anthony Robbins

*** You can choose to respond positively to the situations that arise during your day, consciously and intentionally creating a better life. ***

Pg. 10

*** Choose thoughts that match what you want to attract in your life.
Choose to focus and think about the things you want more of in your life.
Choose to experience more of the things that make you feel good.
Choose to deliberately participate in the creation of your future by managing your thoughts and feelings. ***

*** "Your future is created by what you do today, not tomorrow." *** ~ Robert Kiyosaki

*** EXPECT MIRACLES ***

The Law of Attraction
• allows for infinite possibilities;
• infinite abundance;
• infinite joy;
• knows no order of difficulty;
• can change your life in every way.

INTRODUCTION

Pg. 1

It is said that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

By consciously and intentionally working with the Law of Attraction, you can create exactly what you want with less effort and more joy. You are ready to begin deliberately creating and receiving more of what you really want in your life.

The Law of Attraction has been an integral part of the great teachings of the ages for several millennia.

*** We are all participants in the creation of our lives, and we are all responsible for the state of the world we live in. If we want things to change on an external level, then we must be willing to make the necessary internal changes as well. ***

Pg. 2

There seems to be a common yearning among us to return to a simpler, more joyous place and time, and we know on some internal level that there is more to life than what we have been experiencing. We know that greater fulfillment is possible and we are ready for it. We are longing to understand our connection to each other, our purpose, and ourselves. We are, as a people, searching for deeper meaning in our lives.

Thru the Law of Attraction (L of A)
• gain a greater understanding of yourself—a sense of who you really are and why you are here;
• unlock the gate to the future you desire;
• lead you down a path to greater joy, prosperity, & abundance;
• inspire you by the realization that you CAN create the life you desire;
• you will be empowered;
• begin to immediately live a truly conscious life—one filled with purpose & meaning;
• reconnect with your intuition, heighten your awareness, & honor your emotions;
• increasingly be aware of the miracles all around you;
• the events in your life will begin to unfold in what seem like magical & mysterious ways;
• the scientific explanation for coincidence, serendipity, and the power of prayer;
• the natural result is a state of ever increasing joy & abundance;
• the key to authentic success;

By trusting in the natural order of things, and by trusting in a higher power than yourself, you can learn to let go & begin living in a place of real faith, gratitude, and joy.

The Law of Attraction at work in your life is a perfect example of this brilliantly designed universe in action

*** You are inextricably connected to everyone and everything in the universe, including God. You always have been. At any given moment the universe is automatically responding to your every thought, feeling, and action. It has no choice; it's simply the way things work. It acts as a mirror, reflecting back to you the very energy you project. The thoughts & energy that you send out into the universe will always attract back to you, in one form or another, things and experiences that match those thoughts & energy. This an immutable universal law. ***

Pg. 3

If you want to find greater happiness & fulfillment in your life, you must:
• live in harmony with the natural rhythm of the universe,
• live in harmony with the Law of Attraction,
• choose to live in a place of gratitude, greater peace, and higher consciousness,
• learn to follow your bliss,
• do what you love,
• make time to find joy in your life.

*** It is your natural birthright to be happy, and it is your obligation to express yourself through your natural gifts and talents in a way that brings you joy. By doing this you are also making an essential contribution to the world we live in. ***

*** Imagine a world where we all take full responsibility for our thoughts, our actions, and the results they produce, and become more loving, giving, compassionate, and appreciative people. ***

*** As we become happier, more grateful individuals, we create a vibrational match for all the good that the universe has to offer, and we begin to shift the energy of the entire planet. ***

Pg. 4

Living the Law of Attraction in a conscious, deliberate way will change your life, & it will change the way you participate in this global community.

*** You can change the way you think, you can change your life, and you can change the world. ***
*** If you change the way you think, you can change your life, and you can change the world. ***

*** You are here for a reason, and the world needs what you have to offer. ***

It's been years since I've tried to keep a journal but looking back over several of these entries made me realize just how much you do forget over time — even the really bad stuff ... thankfully! But reading it years later is interesting. Even the 'bad stuff' is interesting & doesn't send me back into "that place" like I thought it might.

In the meantime I've tried several other online journaling sites as well as the old fashioned pencil-&-paper variety. I now have several online journal/blog accounts as well as pages & pages of different word documents I thought might work and who knows how many notebooks with notes, ideas, thoughts, events scattered all over the place. I must not be the journaling type cuz I never keep it up. When using the computer I too often open my laptop intending to do a journal entry but have something else interesting already open. It catches my eye and off I go in another direction. So I'll just try again.

Since it's been almost 3 yrs since the last entry here I'm not sure where to begin. Can hardly believe it's been that long! A little has changed physically — a lot hasn't. More changes have probably taken place mentally than physically. And maybe that's what it's really all about anyway.

Physical changes 1st, I guess: As far as the sinus infection thing ... I did end up seeing another ENT — my 3rd or 4th. First one treated it as regular infection — continual doses of Levaquin (and funny thing is – now there are law suits against the company that makes the Levaquin. Too many people now have permanent tendonitis caused by this antibiotic. GREAT! Well, they thought the sinus infection may have started this whole cascading of symptoms. Only they thought it might have been the over-reaction of my immune system to an infection that it couldn't effectively fight so it began attacking my tendons. Now it looks more like it was the medication that caused the whole mess.)

Here's some of the highlights of my 7 years of pharmaceutical HELL: the Levaquin caused the tendonitis, at that time spreading to 5-10 specific sites but of a severe magnitude. At first they did a number of cortisone injections. Then even more since it didn't seem to help for very long. In one year's time I was given almost 15 cortisone shots & told that was not a problem & never given any down side to them!! After that, about 5-6 surgeries. Then when Vioxx came out as the newest, greatest wonder drug ever, I was started on that. It caused some horrible intestinal problems including constant diarrhea which caused nutritional issues (but I was told it couldn't be the Vioxx since that wasn't one of it's side affects. Right!!! You mean one of the side affects the company CHOSE to report!) The diarrhea caused a state of malnutrition & dehydration which caused the chronic severe fatigue — which literally felt like I was going to die if I even walked across the room. The dehydration led to kidney stones & that whole mess. The malnutrition made fighting an infection impossible so the sinus infection returned/worsened & I was given more Levaquin. More Levaquin caused massive tendonitis & intractable systemic pain (only we didn't know Levaquin was the cause at the time.) Some days I'd wake up with 5-10 new sites of tendonitis for no reason at all. So now several autoimmune diseases were diagnosed and I was finally put on some pain medication, even tho it was VERY limited & did nothing for giving me any quality of life ... just kept me from screaming in pain all day long. At least now I could manage to hold a book or change the channel on the TV but little else. The pain medication caused constipation. Maybe I should have continued the Vioxx & let the two balance each other. Then again, Vioxx was temporarily off the market after causing too many deaths! The digestion & elimination problems from pain meds landed me in emergency surgery for an intestinal blockage. In the meantime, since the tendon pain from head to toe was diagnosed as an autoimmune problem somewhat similar to rheumatoid arthritis, I was put on a special list for another new wonder drug. A once a week shot: Embrel. Little did I know that this drug could cause any underlying infection – we didn't realize the sinus infection was still going on – to rage out of control & could even possibly kill you!! So the sinus infection became a permanent serious problem. So a somewhat permanent shunt was surgically placed in my arm & I was put on some really nasty IV antibiotics. The 1st one they tried caused anaphylactic shock, another near-death experience, & another trip to the ER! I had my 3rd sinus surgery then was started on 2 different IV antibiotics at the same time for about 3 months. And I think that's about where I was when I began this journal thing in 2006. Chronic severe pain, chronic serious infection & chronic but s-l-o-w-l-y improving debilitating fatigue. All beginning with tendonitis probably caused by Levaquin given for a sinus infection!!! I think my despise of all pharmaceutical companies can be understood at this point.

Since then the antibiotics seemed to help some but my sinuses were never what you would call "normal" feeling. It wasn't long before the infection was full-blown again & I was off to yet another ENT & back on Levaquin ... this time for 3-4 months nonstop. So now the overabundance of antibiotic set up a condition where I got some kind of fungus infection in the sinus ... and ANOTHER surgery. I could keep the infection to a dull roar as long as my sinuses could keep draining but that was only possible if I continually used one of those sinus sprays like Afrin that they tell you not to use longer than a few day. Shoot, to stay out of the ENT office, off antibiotics, & NO MORE surgeries, I used it for 3-4 YEARS nonstop! But I wasn't going to keep on the antibiotic-surgery route the ENT said I would probably need FOREVER!!!

Over the past several years it has become obvious that the biggest problem has not ever been an actual illness or disease but reactions & a cascading of symptoms of successive prescriptions — all given for symptoms of other medications that were given for other symptoms that caused more symptoms & the need for more meds... Each time I was told the new symptoms were NOT the cause of any medication but of the worsening of the illness or another new autoimmune disease... which it looks now like the pharmaceutical companies are making up on a continual basis to explain more & more unusual symptoms ... all caused by the drugs they are giving for nutrition related problems. Why bother giving our bodies the nutrients it needs to function properly when you can make a fortune calling the symptoms a "disease" for which a lifetime of expensive medications will be needed? Especially when that drug will cause side affects you can diagnose as symptoms needing yet another expensive medication for life ... & continue this for 10-15 different medications that have robbed the person of their health, quality of life, any activity at all & most of their $$. As long as you can keep them alive, scared of some disease or another, too sick, weak & scared to stage or join a revolt, well, you have a patient for YEARS forced to buy your over-priced medication. Because here in the freedom-loving USA, the free market is not permitted in this field. Drug companies can charge whatever they want giving them enough to cover the few annoying law suits that manage to slip thru & still make billions! What it does to the individuals, their finances, their health, their quality of life & that of their families, employers, business, & ultimately this country ... well, that's of no importance to them!

OK, I'm just a LITTLE angry and frustrated on this topic & certainly never intended to discuss it. Oh well.

To continue: We've spent the past few years searching for answers in the natural realm once we finally realized it was the medications all along that were causing most of the problems. This whole thing started over 10 years ago (aprox. Jan. of 1999) and after 6-7 yrs of searching & consulting the best medical doctors around including Emery, Mayo Clinic, etc. and doing everything we could that direction — only to get worse & worse and nearly die on 4 separate occasions, we decided that just isn't the way to go. The summer I began journaling here was just after time I began trying to find some natural solutions. It's been a very slow, tedious process but has paid off. In fact, almost exactly a year ago I tried some foul tasting drops you put in water — supposed to be a natural antibiotic. Almost overnight I was able to completely stop using nasal spray & the infection cleared up!! Several other products helped the fatigue and that is only a small issue. Over the past several years I've also been able to reduce the pain medication a bit. In fact, I've been able to eliminate all but 3 medications. Of those 3 I'm taking 1/4 of what I was of one, 1/3 of another, & 3/4 of the other one. My goal is to be rid of them all and since it has taken about 3 yrs to get this far, it SEEMS like I'm getting nowhere.

Also, my activity level is still very limited and that's doubly frustrating. I keep trying to look only at the improvements but it's like sitting & watching hair grow... only slower. So it's been a real chore to stay UP. And I definitely need to stay up. Your mental state has such an effect on your physical condition so a positive outlook, general happiness, belief & hope are essential.

I've spent a lot of time in the past year reading as many positive outlook books as I could. Never before this illness mess was it a chore to get & stay positive, happy & excited. Now it takes some real effort. But it's paying off. My outlook has improved & it's easier to have a positive attitude. I still don't feel that deep sense of happiness, joy & excitement looking forward to every minute of every day like I did before but at least I don't feel total despair & hopelessness like I did. That makes it easier to think that if I keep it up maybe it won't be too long before I begin feeling some of those good feelings again. A lack of bad feelings is better than feeling low all the time but once you've spent as much time as I have enjoying every minute of your life, loving who you are & where you are, and looking forward to the rest of your life, simply a lack of feeling rotten just isn't enough. I'm sure there are plenty who'd welcome even just that and would think it was heaven on earth in comparison to what they are experiencing. I get that, for sure since I've definitely been there. But I've known how great life can be and I will miss it every minute I don't experience it. I used to say there was no drug – legal or illegal - that could ever be anywhere as good as enjoying yourself & your own life, especially when you found your passion and were able to pursue it.

Right now I'm going thru a bit of a physical, and as a result, a mental rough patch. As I said before, my constant sinus infection cleared up almost exactly a year ago. I've had a couple times where it would resurface a little but went away quickly with a few days of the drops I took before, some extra of the other natural supplements I've stayed on and the addition of other supplements I've found that helps when it returns. But almost 2 weeks ago the infection returned with a fury and has been as bad as it was at it's worst ever since — even with doing everything that has helped in the past. I've been outside more this spring & summer and since outside is where I'm the happiest, I don't want to give that up. I'm hoping to get it under control soon & without too much pain & effort. It's been getting a little better, I get hopeful & begin regular activities just to wake up the next morning to it full-blown again. I'm somewhat frustrated but mostly I'm concerned that this could be the beginning of another long fight or even worse – a doctor... God forbid. I'm trying to stay positive but I know at the core I'm worried, afraid & disappointed. Yesterday a huge chunk of some gross nastiness came out & I was hoping that was the core and I'd wake up today to a huge improvement. It wasn't to be. Tho it's definitely better than yesterday, it still isn't good. And since I've had improved days before, it doesn't make me as hopeful as I wish it did. I really want to get some exercise today since I'm feeling slug-like but I'm also concerned there may be something in the environment that bothers it ... like the grass maybe. And since I love working in the yard that would be tragic. But even taking a walk/run has caused as much problems as mowing the lawn so who knows. And since we have an outdoor birthday party to go to tomorrow night I want to feel good enough to #1 even go; and #2 enjoy myself.

So tho my life still isn't anywhere near what I want, there have been improvements, both mental & physical. I'll try to keep updating.

I began writing this this morning - of course to be short & sweet, which never seems to be the case. Either I have a lot of thoughts I'd like to get down or I'm just a long-winded person. Either way, this goes on forever. I've hacked away on it off & on all day - have no idea how many different directions I've taken - don't know if any of it makes sense or even if it has complete sentences - & I don't want to know how many words I misspelled. Maybe I'll add it then come back later to edit & make sense out of it!!

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I looked out the bedroom window this morning—as I was trying to shake off the medication I took around 3am when I decided I needed sleep more than I needed to avoid medications—& saw 2 young boys walking through my neighbors yard & into the cul-de-sac. They sat their skateboards down as soon as they stepped off the curb & began scooting up the street. OK, so kids on skateboards - during summer - the week before school starts, isn't an odd sight. So why did this strike me as odd. I had to ask myself the same question... why DID that strike me as odd? After thinking about it for a minute, I realized it was simply the fact that there were kids that age coming thru & into our cul-de-sac.

I'm going to guess the boys I saw this morning were maybe about 8-yrs old. Maybe I should be asking myself, "Where have all the 8-year olds gone?" This street used to be FILLED with kids of all ages, throughout every season of every year. That's why we bought this house. When we moved back to Metro-Atlanta almost 17 years ago, our own child was only 5. We were lucky when we moved to the LA area when my husband went back to school. We found a nice roomy apt with an adorable backyard that was pretty much used only by us. Our sliding glass door opened from the kitchen dining area onto a small concrete patio, into the back yard. It was fenced on both sides & enclosed across the back by the large garage & laundry room. The apt. building contained only 3 units so it was almost private. In the front, larger 3-bedroom apt. was a single mother with 2 children who were 5-6 years older than our 2-1/2 yr old. (Wow, I hadn't thought about these people in at least 15 yrs - suddenly their 1st names jumped into my head - not the last ... yet!) In the other smaller, 2-bedroom apt that was upstairs, was what seemed to be a nice, young couple - the "seemed" being the operative word! Well, they were nice ... or at least she was. Neither one ever said much, but when they did, she was always nice. Turns out he (Steve) worked nights & sat home days smoking pot & playing loud music. We kind of had them tossed out of the place when we couldn't get any cooperation with the music thing. When pictures were falling off the walls from the vibration the base in his music caused - & he became belligerent about it, we told the owners, either they go—or we go. We knew they would choose us. They loved having this sweet, clean, WHITE family in their unit vs. the pot-smoking/loud-music, mixed race couple (white+asian). Yeah, the owners had some issues, so we used them to our advantage. They couldn't evict the couple, but they could raise their rent enough that they'd decided not to renew the lease. :o) So WE chose our next neighbors ... 2 very sweet girls that were in my husband's classes! HeeHee!! And we all lived QUIETLY ever after.

The apt in CA was perfect for what we needed - rent somewhere around $500/mo when most 2 bedroom apts in even questionable areas were going for close to twice that - decent size backyard which even the nicest homes in the area didn't have - nice neighborhoods, too ... very clean - within biking distance from the college hubby was attending since we'd sold my bigger car when he quit his job to spend 5-7 yrs back in school. But there weren't other little kids anywhere near by - and once you went down the street a bit, the area became a little rough - quite changed. That was one reason owners of these tri-plexes were trying so hard to keep "desirable" tenants.

The only thing the CA apt didn't come with was children near our daughter's age for her to play with and an area to play with other children, ride bikes, etc. Our apt faced the back of the property, which had a small paved alley leading to the garage (the garage was another unusual but awesome feature of the place - along with the private laundry room attached to the garage). On the other side of the alley, was an open vacant lot - with a very busy mjr street just on the opposite side ... so we didn't hang out beyond the back yard. We also seldom went into the front. It was a smaller quiet street but, being just houses away from an area that appeared broken down & didn't feel safe, we didn't feel real comfortable out there either. We usually drove or bicycled to a play area. That's one thing LA is good about. Few people have much, if any, yard, so the city has small parks EVERYWHERE.

When we moved back to Atlanta, we wanted to live some place where Robyn could learn to ride a bike, roller skate without one of us being within 5' of her, play with kids in the neighbor hood instead of calling around to making "play" appointments - then driving over in a car loaded with drinks, chairs, food, Band-Aids, toys, change of clothes, & everything else a 3-yr old might need. That was our main criteria when looking for a home when we moved back here. We had always said we wanted to live in the "Peachtree Corners" area and we had a clear vision of what we wanted the area to look & feel like. Now getting a real estate agent to show us NOTHING but homes that fit that description was interesting! I'd give them the exact price/exact schools/exact area/clear specifics ... when they found a house within those specifics, let me know — but I didn't want to look at ANYTHING else!! Ha! One agent drove me to homes from Lawrenceville to Marietta ... but completely skipped the Peachtree Corners area that sits right in the middle of that! A couple agents got close but I knew there had to be homes exactly like I was looking for - so I gave up on agents & searched it out myself.

Problem was, we had very little $$. Remember, we had no job income for over 5 yrs. We'd hidden a few dollars away but since any $$ you had was calculated into what you needed for Financial Aid, we couldn't save much in our own name & not have it subtracted from what we could get in scholarships/grants/loans. While we were still living in CA, Bob got a small inheritance when his grandmother died. We were able to have them hold it somehow, without putting it in Bob's name, until after he graduated. We also decided to sell just about everything we owned before leaving CA. Most of it had already gone thru 2 moves - which does a # on furniture...vibrating in a truck for over 2500 miles! It had also gotten a lot of use/abuse from our very active/bouncing daughter & her friends. I still miss a few pieces—especially the rocking chairs used for many many hrs when Robyn was little—along with the couches & a few other nice pieces we'd had made for our 1st house. But there wasn't much $$ left from selling all this once we paid to rent a truck for everything else (you own more than you think you do) & to tow the car behind the truck. To rent a truck for that long drive from LA to Atl was steep. Then there was food, gas, hotel rooms, etc ... + deposits, 1st & last on a temp apt, GA car tags, etc once we arrived here. But without the $ from selling our possessions, I don't know how we would have paid for that move. Moving is much more expensive than I ever expected. I grew up in the house my parents moved into when I was 1. They only sold it a few yrs ago when they FINALLY divorced - after living there almost 50 yrs! I'm not sure many people do that anymore - seems people are always moving around these days. The only "moving" I ever did when I was younger was the one where you crammed everything you owned into your parent's car & move into a college dorm room. I had no idea how difficult/traumatic/expensive this type of move would be. I moved to Atl right after Bob & I were married (he'd moved here about 4 or 5 month before in a job transfer ... that was still during that blissful/cloud-9 period, & still, what did I own? Some worn out college clothes & whatever wedding gifts we received! When we moved TO LA, we still had some $$ ... from the sell of the house/a car/the 1st half of our furniture/an extra pay check or 2/savings, etc. It didn't feel as daunting even tho I'm sure it cost even more.

When it was all said & done, the only $$ we had available for a down payment upon our return to Atlanta was that small inheritance from Bob's grandmother (but boy are we thankful for THAT!!) Even tho it wasn't much, it gave us something to work with. Finding a house with no down payment would probably have put us in an area where we wouldn't want to live! The last thing I wanted was to spend my daughter's elementary school yrs in an apt. If we'd had to stay in an apt for longer than the 3 months we planned, we could easily have gotten caught in that cycle of paying for ever-increasing rent, never able to save enough for the ever-increasing down-payment needed for the ever-increasing cost of homes. With less than $5000 to put down/5 yrs of $0 income/a very low paying, entry-level position working under another drs license (since at that time you not only had to pass the national boards, each state had their own requirements that had to be passed for state licensure) finding a house that we qualified for was going to be tricky at best. Finding one we qualified for in the area we wanted to live was going to take a miracle and then some! But we'd already had miracle after miracle, making this whole process of Bob changing careers not only possible, but enjoyable. Hmm... need to think about this some more. I see I've definitely lost a lot of this faith.

But back to the house/neighborhood. We started our own search for the home we had envisioned. Within a couple days, I located the neighborhoods in our price range (there were only 2 or 3 neighborhoods close to what we could manage - Peachtree Corners is rather pricy). Whenever we could, we'd drive up & down the streets at different times, on different days to see if there were kids out playing—& even better—kids out playing with parents! We looked at several homes but there was always something. We did, however, narrow the search down to one subdivision. We knew somewhere/sometime a home would come on the market & be "the one", we'd just wait. But it was getting exhausting -- constantly looking, waiting, living in a not-so-much apt in a lg complex in an area of one lg apt complex after another. And tho we were glad to leave the general area & atmosphere of So.CA, there was a lot we were missing - friends, sunshine & warmth (it was one of the coldest Jan on record in Atl), a backyard, etc. I was feeling the dark/cold/lonely/moving blues. And not finding a house was wearing on me. We were also using my sister's furniture until she transferred to Atlanta (which would be soon) & living with rooms stacked to the ceiling with her boxes & ours. Everything was temporary. We didn't even own coats or warm clothing ... and needing to save all the $ we had for eating, rent & the down payment; we made do with a few sweatshirts & borrowed/given items.

We located several houses we could have possibly afforded but they always seemed to be the ones that were on the very busy street with a driveway that sloped steeply down into a very busy street where many people drove 50+mph. Not a great place for a child who still needed to learn to skate & ride a bicycle. Didn't need her learning on THAT kind of driveway! Besides, living on a street like that would just put us back in a situation similar to the one we had in CA. Tho several of those homes were great & were being offered for excellent prices, they weren't kid-friendly homes. Also, the houses in the subdivision were built around mid-70s ... when the style was many small rooms, all wood was stained DARK - all doors/cabinets/baseboard/molding/paneling, etc. Ugly wallpaper with big print in odd colors of olive-green, brownish-yellow, etc was also "in". So many of the houses were just plain dreary. I had enough dreary. And without 1¢ extra, we knew it would be many yrs before we could even think about remodeling. Whatever we had, we'd have to live with. We did find a couple of houses that were more what we were looking for but something kept happening that we didn't get them.

At one point, we thought we finally found "it" - the house we were looking for. We found & fell in love with the street ... not only were there several kids Robyn's age, there seemed to be many - seemingly a whole street full. AND even better, there were parents playing with the kids &/or sitting/standing in groups socializing with each other. As we drove thru, everyone absent-mindedly waved ... & I say "absent-mindedly" as a good thing because this showed a habit, something they always did, regardless of what else they were doing. Each time we drove on that street, everyone always waved. The house had even been updated. We put in a bid immediately. Then found out later, someone else thought it was also the perfect house. They'd put in a bid an hr before ours (also on a Sunday) - & theirs went thru. We were in line if something fell thru so we lived for a couple weeks not knowing. We tried not to get our hopes up but that's really hard to do when it seemed if everything about this house & street was perfect.

I was beginning to give up. I was discouraged, depressed, cold, & tired of the disappointment. Aahh.... but we know that's often when things finally come thru! I almost accidentally ran across an ad for a house that sounded like it was near the one we had just missed. I had made so many calls & been so disappointed so many times that I let Bob handle this one. Turns out the house was just down the street from the other one! And even better, it was at the end of the cul-de-sac, with woods behind, and they were offering it for a little less because they wanted to sell by owner & save the cost of an agent. We went to look. Tho the dark stained wood throughout the house hadn't been updated, the wall paper was also dated, the yard was a disaster, & the shutters were painted brown (don't ask me, I just don't like shutters that are anything except white, black, stained wood) the rest of the house was EXACTLY what we were looking for. The other things could be changed. The original owner had the downstairs built with one large family room that spanned from the front of the house to the back deck - with plenty of windows & light - instead of separate smaller living room & den. Kitchen & dinning room were 2 smaller rooms but not as confined feeling. Also had lg laundry room & pantry downstairs along with cute 1/2 bath. Master bedroom upstairs was large, 2 lg closets (one of them a walk-in (MINE!!), & nice size bath. One the other bedrooms was a typical bedroom but had just been redone in the cutest pink & white/lace & frills. Exactly what we needed for our 5 (almost 6) yr old. The other bedroom was very large ... a 2-room suite, actually. And the "kids" bathroom upstairs had been redone shortly before in cute kid's colors - previous owners had girl age 6, boy age 4, boy age 1.

This house was the best yet ... we wanted it - & wanted it BAD ... or is it "badly" - who cares - we just knew we wanted THAT house!! We had a friend who worked in commercial real estate on the other side of town. He helped us check details & get started right away with the steps to try & get this house. We had to get what's called a "no doc" loan (don't know if they still exist or not - prob in some fashion but maybe called something dif). This would come at a higher interest rate but would allow for us to get the house without some of the documentation needed regarding specific income, etc. Instead of showing much currently income using past records, Bob's employer signed a form stating a set amount he was planning to pay Bob in the coming yr. What they did was calculate the amount of income needed to get the loan approved & backed that # into the stated income. We knew this, along with putting only 5% down, required us to get a higher risk loan. We'd be paying more interest to begin with but could later refinance to lower the interest rate. In the meantime, we'd finally have a home to raise our child in—a permanent environment for the 1st time in her life—a real-live neighborhood where she could play outside, kids her own age, a great public school (we'd had her in Montessori school in CA & continued it here until we could get her into the better public school), a yard, swing set, sand box, hop-scotch permanently pained in the cul-de-sac, basketball goals & nets, woods & a creek behind the houses, a HUGE swimming pool FILLED with kids all summer, winning summer swim team w/ lessons & training, & a nice tennis complex also with teams, lessons, socials for kids & adults, etc.

It was still a roller coaster with this house. The loan was going to go thru/it wasn't/it needs this/then it needed something else. I felt like I was on an emotional yo-yo! Then it FINALLY was approved. We dressed up, met the current owners & all the financing people in the conference room around a huge shinny wood table & sat passing stacks & stacks of documents around the room for everyone to sign. It's really kind of a comical process if you've never done it. Everyone has their own special pen (at least they did 16 yrs ago). The person in charge begins the process by explaining the deal, then explains each document as you go. One at a time, the documents are passed to the next person at the table - they look it over, sign one of the many lines, passes it on to the person sitting next to them, & received the next set to sign. I don't remember the exact # of documents that have to be signed but at the time it seemed like a dozen! I'm sure it was less but it was one of those very memorable experiences. Buying our 1st home had been fairly simple. It had been repossessed, we had 2 incomes, no credit, no child, fell into the deal, so no trauma. This was entirely different. I remember leaving that signing, keys in hand feeling elated but scared to death. With all we'd been thru, we felt like surely something was going to happen ... someone would come running out of that room after noticing something in all that paperwork that had previously been missed & say, "Never mind!" So we went over to our big empty house to walk around - still thinking someone was going to jump out & say it was all a joke. It was one of those things that seemed too good to be true.

So what does ALL this have to do with 2 little boys that walked thru the cul-de-sac this morning? Well, because one of the main reasons we moved into this neighborhood was because of it's kid-friendly atmosphere & large # of children Robyn's age. This street in particular seemed to be "kid central". It's laid out perfectly for families with young children. Most of the houses are 3-4 bedrooms—not large homes. They were considered perfect "starter homes" - young couples just starting their families - families that would probably move to bigger homes as they had more kids &/or they began getting closer to pre-teen & teen yrs. The street itself is only .3mi long. It goes straight for .1mi then takes a 90° turn, straight another .1mi, another 90° turn, then the last .1mi straightaway. Each of the turns had a cul-de-sac. Ours was the very end, the 3rd & last cul-de-sac where the street ended. We have only woods behind us with a small creek, some little trails & lots of deer. On the other side of the woods is the swim/tennis complex. In the winter, without leaves on the trees, you can see the complex. You can't see it in the summer, but you can hear all the action & fun in the pool as well as the many balls being hit at the tennis courts. Even tho you can see the pool from our backyard, it is actually about a mile away since the woods, the creek, & a tall steep hill separate our houses from the pool—the only street entrance is around the outside of the subdivision. There is one tiny trail thru the woods that was made years ago, probably by original owners of these houses. Not many kids even know it exists now. It requires walking up our neighbor’s driveway, beside their house & back fence, thru the woods, beside another backyard, down another driveway, to the main outside street that runs in front of the pool. You exit the woods aprox .2mi from the pool. When Robyn was younger, that path was well used. It was a common sight to see kids walking down the neighbor's driveway wrapped in a towel, with their hair still wet with pool water. I think the last time this was an almost daily occurrence was about 2 yrs ago. I never even realized it WASN'T a normal thing until I saw these 2 boys this morning.

When we moved here, there were tons of kids & the neighborhood itself was like those that used to exist in the 60s or only on old movies &TV programs. The small road that ran in front of our little street had several other streets similar to ours that all ended in cul-de-sacs, ours being the only one with 3, well actually 4 cul-de-sacs when you count the tiny street off this one that has only 4 houses. That tiny street was originally intended to be the main street to the pool. The builder was planning to connect it to a swim/tennis parking lot ... until the original buyers all banded together, worked with lawyers, etc. & got it stopped. That would have put an enormous amount of traffic thru these narrow, quiet, residential streets & eliminated most of the woods, as well as filled in the creek. Environment, folks, environment!! The large street on the other side of the pool is made for more traffic. It's the main road that leads to several other subdivisions as well as a large church. So our quiet little private street was left to dead-end and give us a perfect location for families with little kids. When Robyn was in elementary school, the bus used to make only 3 stops on the small road that ran in front of our little street. In those 3 stops, the bus would be PACKED full. Our stop alone must have had close to 20 kids.

Most of the kids on our street came from our end, the last .1mi leg. When we moved in, I can only remember 1 mother who worked outside the home & that was because she was a single mom, the only divorced parent on the street. The rest of the moms were home with their kids, a big thing around here at that time. In fact, in this area it was kind of a stigma if the mother worked ... HORRORS!! I'm sure it was assumed the children were doomed to be sub-par drug addicts who were having sex by age 12! Hey, I wasn't taking any chances. I'd read all the stories, the research, believed the hype. I was home too. And I did know families in the much more expensive subdivisions surrounding ours where both parents worked to pay the 2-4Xhigher mortgages—& some of those teens who were home alone after school WERE involved in sex/drugs/internet porno/etc. And some that weren't allowed visitors (if they didn't sneak out or sneak others in) sat playing video games & eating all afternoon as they spent day after day inside the house without adults ... since they were not allowed outside without supervision - & no kid that age would accept the idea of being supervised by another adult ... that's a little too much like having a "babysitter"!! Whether any of this "undesirable" behavior had anything to do with the fact that these kids grew up without their parents being around as much, I had no idea at the time. But, as I said, I wasn't taking any chances.

Even now, our particular street—tho it's changed a lot since the early years—is still a very unusual place in this world of over-scheduled families & ever-increasing quest for privacy. But at the beginning, it was even more unusual. It was almost like going thru a time warp as you turned onto the street. You instantly went from the 90s back in time to the 60s. Many of those who were living here when we moved in were the 1st & only owners - some being here as most of the other houses were being built. During those 1st 10 yrs or so of the subdivision, the economy & circumstances were such that many families moved into homes like these, stayed only a few yrs, accumulated some equity while the house value increased, sold for a decent profit, then moved on to bigger, more expensive homes. That's what we'd intended to do. But it wasn't long before even these smaller homes were at such a price that they transitioned from "starter homes" to "final homes". Even tho the value continues to increase, most mortgage payments of more recent buyers are at such a level that not many want to go much higher. Also, there are plenty of new houses that are more expensive but you wouldn't necessarily be getting something better—maybe a newer neighborhood with much smaller yards - houses so close together you could catch your neighbors cold ... OK, that's a bit of an exaggeration - & compared to many areas around the country, they are still separated by a sizeable yard -- but it's comparatively close considering more established neighborhoods around here. In most of these costlier, newer subdivisions, you also get few if any trees - so many builders mow down all trees - which is heartbreaking since Georgia has always been thick with trees. Builders now level the land, then, upon completion of building, plant a tiny twig of a tree in the center of the front yard ... & the popular choice for builders has become the Bradford Pear. They are cheap & fast growing. Problem is, the wood is VERY soft. As it becomes full size (& very large), the limbs are often unable to support the massive growth, especially with added moisture—frozen or not. Fairly strong winds that accompany quick, sometimes daily summer rains can cause these trees to drop huge main branches or even split the tree in two! And snow & ice - well, that's a disaster waiting to happen. Also, those buying in many of the newer, more expensive neighborhoods have to live even further out ... thus encountering even MORE traffic & spending MORE time stuck on the roads in rush hr. They also have to deal with increasingly over-crowded schools as they continue adding hundreds of students every year while more subdivisions are quickly built. That's one thing about Peachtree Corners, every piece of property that's zoned for private homes was filled several years ago. There are large busy roads not far away that are being zoned for apts & I know it's inevitable for builders to be willing to fight the battles needed to get permits to build, since it has become financially worth the battle ... but they usually have to be willing to compromise to keep residents in the area from completely blocking these permits.

It's not easy for anyone to build the usual apts, strip malls & mega-WalMarts in this area. Residents usually take up arms as soon as they get wind of something of the sort. They call for hearings, studies, & presentations - they form blockades, petitions, etc. About 10 yrs ago a company wanted to put some shops in a main area zoned for business that is the front of the P'tree Crns area, along the mjr road. I don't remember a lot of the details; I just know it took a long time. The company FINALLY got permission but you should see what they put in. It's one of my favorite areas. It has the usual Old Navy, Linens & Things, Barnes & Noble, etc. but it's hard to tell that's what those stores are. It has a small street that runs thru - with shops on either side. Every few stores, there is a little roundabout in the road, filled with seasonal flowering plants. Sidewalks in front of all shops are wide, well kept with planters & plating walls with plants matching those in the roundabouts. There are small trees in planters along the sidewalk with tiny clear "xmas" lights strung on them. Music is always playing softly overhead. There are nice benches and small cafe tables & chairs all along for simply relaxing, socializing, etc. In nice weather, it's always enjoyable to simply stroll along the sidewalks or sit & "people watch". All buildings are covered with the same regulated stone, with ivy planted & allowed to climb the higher stone walls. It's all very European looking. Even tho there are the requisite Old Navy type stores, most shops are smaller, high-end specialty stores. We love going over, sometimes riding our bikes over, to sit on the floor or Barnes & Noble and scan various books until they close the store at 11pm. I'm always amazed how many people are sitting in the Starbucks (inside Barnes & Noble) or scattered at tables, couches, & like us, on the floor throughout B&N just enjoying some time among the books. There are a few good pics on this page: http://www.wakefieldbeasley.com/layer3/SpecSheets/TheForum.html

But again, I veer off course. My point is still the oddity of these two small boys walking beside the neighbor's house, down their drive, & into the cul-de-sac ... the change in the neighborhood. The last child I remember doing that on a regular basis was Hannah - & that family moved 2 yrs ago. Hannah was the last of the original kids here. Robyn was almost the last—we were the last family of this group but Hannah was probably only weeks from being born when we moved in. I remember only talking to Suzanne a time or 2 at the beginning. She usually came out to make sure the other mothers were OK with keeping an eye on her other 4 as she was usually hot, tired, & much too busy to sit outside every afternoon with the rest of us. That was one of the great unique things about this neighborhood. Everyday after school, the kids would change into play-clothes, have a snack, & everyone would head outdoors, including the mom's. The signal was an open garage door. Andrea was kind of the official neighborhood organizer. She was the last house, the flat driveway (the house next door) and the gathering place for all activity. When Andrea opened her garage door, that was the signal the others could come down to play. The mothers would grab a lawn chair & head for the shaded part of the driveway, the kids gathered at the end of the drive, just into the cul-de-sac to debate the beginning activity & whether it was to be a "girls only" activity or something the 2 lone boys were allowed in on. I'm not sure why there were so many more girls than boys but for us, it was great. Robyn was 6 that 1st yrs so boys still had "cooties". Most activities were not usually co-ed. Graham & Andy usually went off to do guy stuff while the girls played hopscotch, tag, 4-square, spud, hide&seek, & who knows what other game. Just about everything was the good old-fashioned "active" games we all played as kids. There were usually enough girls to make a good size activity - typically 6 ... Emily, Sarah, Ashley, Beth, Bethany, & Robyn.

Since Suzanne usually was out only a few minutes, she typically didn't bring a chair down & "sit a spell". The group of moms usually consisted of the core 4: Andrea, Ann, Louise, & me. I enjoyed having this camaraderie & someone to talk to on a daily basis since but boy was I in a league of my own. Not only was the neighborhood right out of the 60s, so were these women. The typical discussion: "What are you fixing for dinner?" Then there would be this long discussion of food, recipes, etc. I only cooked what I had to to keep my child as healthy as possible & keep us from starving. Generally, I hate it... & didn't bother at all once I could get away with not doing it ever again. I was kind of left out but I sat thru the discussions day after day just to have the friendships.

Andrea, being the consummate organizer that she was, planned all kinds of family & neighborhood events. Every year on the same weekend, she would organize the entire street for a block party. The cul-de-sac & last portion of the street was blocked off, tables were set up, & gas grills were arranged. Each family would bring their own meat to grill and dishes of food to share ... salads, veg, desserts, etc. There were always paper plates, cups, lots & lots of sweat tea & lemonade - adults brought their own alcoholic beverages. Andrea would provide a "boom box" for music - everyone able to add their favorite music. Sometimes it was just socializing, others years, dancing would begin. I only remember it raining once & everything was quickly moved to Andrea's garage & covered porch, without missing a social beat.

I don't know if it was a burden for Andrea or if she loved all the organizing & planning. She always did a lot of it with every group or organization they belong to. Often, others would wait for her to begin the planning of neighborhood events. She always had lots of help &, with some things, simply made the suggestions or started the ball rolling & others would take over. I just know things changed when we came home one day & there was a "For Sale" sign in their yard. I called her immediately, in shock. They weren't going far - they loved the neighborhood. They talked about never leaving this subdivision. That's one reason I was so surprised when I saw the sign. Theirs may have been the 1st house built here, I'm not sure. If it wasn't THE first, it was one of the 1st. They were part of the original founders of the swim/tennis center, even putting part of the loan in their names. They formed the association and Arthur served on the founding board, then as the swim/tennis assoc president for a few yrs. Their original house next door was a single level 3-bedroom ranch. They wanted a larger 4 bedroom 2-story so moved to a street on the other side of the subdivision ... maybe a mile away. When they moved out, they told us they were unofficially handing the neighborhood organization to us. We might have done better had Bob not also been elected to the office of swim/tennis pres & held the position for over 7 yrs—when he had to insist someone else take it over since I was in the first few yrs of my illness & it was all becoming too much. Robyn's travel schedule, then the illness kept me from doing the things I wanted to do in keeping up the traditions that Andrea had started.

Sadly, Andrea died about 2 yrs ago. That was the hardest death for me yet. She was 47 - two days from her 48th birthday. She had a stroke. I have no idea what happened. She was never someone to get any exercise, & they did eat very Southern—fat/sweet/processed—but I don't know if there was more to it or not. Their son was a Jr in HS, the daughter a Jr in college. Andrea & her daughter were very close, just as Robyn & I were (the girls being very close in age). Andrea was the one who welcomed us to the neighborhood & made sure we felt a part of it. All we had in common was our daughters who were close in age & but we knew each other for almost 15 yrs. We never expected her to be the 1st. One couple across the street was an older couple with grown children when we moved in—the oldest on the street. There were also the 2 obese moms we would certainly have expected to have severe health problems before the rest. One in particular. That whole family is a very notable statistic ... they are HUGE ... every one of them—the parents, the older daughter- now 24, & the younger son- somewhere around 14 now. The mom alone had to be over 400+ lbs last we saw her & the daughter well on her way to that. The dad, maybe 5-600 lbs.? I really don't know how to judge but to me, it was scary.

I looked in the very 1st neighborhood directory we received shortly after we moved here. On our street, every house has been sold at least once since we moved in except, well, ours, of course ... & one other. I think the other family is the original owners of their home. They have a daughter that was one of the original 6 who played daily after school. She graduated from college recently. In fact, I think all 6 girls are finished with college except Robyn. Even tho many of the families have moved, we have become good friends with many of the next owners, some having lived here almost as long as we have. They too have had young kids who "played" here & have since gone on to college & beyond. But a lot of the parents remain in the area—leaving a number of us who are "empty nesters". That's one reason why there are far fewer kids playing in the street.

Today, there are a few families with young kids on this street. Even those in the nearby elementary school have few, if any other children their own age to play with. In the 12-15 houses at our end of the street, there are 2 kids in HS (a brother & sister), 2 in middle school (a boy & girl who have just outgrown the age where they “play” the same things, & 3 toddlers & a baby (2 sets of sisters). It never dawned on me until I saw these two boys, just how different the neighborhood is ... just how few kids there are now. It doesn’t seem like the same neighborhood … especially since it doesn’t seem THAT long since the street was packed full of kids. I know neighborhoods change like this all the time … young couples all begin families around the same time; all the kids play together when they are little, then become pickier, more discriminating in their preferences of friends - many early friendships dissolve or change; HS & driving brings new freedoms & close friends outside the near-by neighborhood; then it’s off to colleges all over the state & sometimes the nation; weddings; the children buying their own homes & beginning the cycle in different neighborhoods – often leaving the one they grew up in an area filled with empty-nesters & grandparents. But this subdivision wasn’t like that until our current group. Until the past 10 yrs, almost everyone moved on or up. Is it the cost of housing, the hassle of moving, the love of this area? Who knows.

So why is it that WE stay here when we were one of the many who had planned to stay 3-5 yrs, build up equity then move to a higher priced neighborhood? The number one reason: We LOVE it here. Seldom have we seen an area that is as peaceful, spacious, full of large beautiful trees, undeveloped woods & accompanying wild-life; great neighbors who moved here because it was different—bec people still cared about their neighbors; the location near enough to the city but not consumed by it; & an area that has banded together to keep the area a kind, gentle, desirable neighborhood where commercialism & over-growth are not allowed to run rampant. The houses have continued a steady, consistent increase in value so that when we DO decide it’s time to sell, given normal circumstances, we should get a good price. Our initial investment, the high interest rate we initially had to pay, the struggle to make sure we could always pay that mortgage payment the first couple of years, and all the work, changes, repairs we’ve put in it over the years have netted us far more than any physical costs. We’ve gotten so much value from living here that can never have a price tag attached. How do you put a value on a peaceful HOME? A place where the 3 of us could always come thru the door & know there will be someone there to that “has our back” – a “soft place to fall” if needed. Sure, we’ve had our share of family squabbles, disagreements, tough times, & anger towards another, but those were all temporary. The permanence is unending love & care for each other within the family & neighbors who could be called on if anything were ever needed outside the family - and last but not least, other families who moved here & stayed for that very same reason.

Current Location: Home, of course
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: I don't know, something running thru my head from before.

I wrote this little escapade in a message to a friend earlier but decided it deserved to be here on my journal page. I want living proof to show my grandchildren someday what their mother is REALLY like. This is one child that has always kept me in stitches!! Here's tonight's events ...

OK ... you're going to LOVE this! My brilliant 22 blonde daughter is sitting here on the floor beside my bed (I've always got my laptop on the bed) doing her nails—fingers & toes. 2 days ago hubby pulled out all the carpet in here—he's putting hardwoods in the whole house ... himself!! All we have right now on this side of the bed is the plywood until he can get this far. My child was sitting here doing french tips on her toes with the open bottle of nail polish remover beside her. I made some comment about spilling it on the plywood - she just chuckled. But guess what she did about 10 min later?! Yep! Just about the entire bottle! And being a new bottle, it's rather odoriferous! She ran downstairs to find something to try & take some of the smell out ... & came back with the "febreze" & a bottle of "Urine Gone" (because we used to have a couple of accidents from one little puppy). She decided to use the Urine Gone because she said the label said it was for "pet & human accidents" & she considered this an accident. You've heard of the results of cousins reproducing ... this is the result of blondes reproducing. You have been warned ... stick with the cats & dogs!

Current Location: Mi Casa
Current Mood: giggly
Current Music: KT Tunstall - Big Black Horse & The Cherry Tree

Sheez - it's almost 10am & the bod is still barely moving. Can you really get sore muscles from driving? Seems kind of silly & wimpy to me ... and therefore hard to admit. Yes folks, there she is - former athlete/marathon runner - now getting sore muscles from driving. Even my arms don't have much "go" in them. I'm kind of laughing here because I'm attempting to half sit up/half recline and my arms want to just flop down on the keyboard rather than "sit up straight" so I can type the correct keys—you know, the ones that actually correspond to the words I'd like to see written across the screen!

The story itself isn't very exciting ... unless you're me or a member of my immediate family who have been suffering along with me. Yesterday was essentially a landmark day for me - for a number of reasons. I had the usual monthly visit to the Pain Management doctors office. It was one of the "in-between" nurse's visits. I guess every doc does it their own way. This one has you come in once a month to pick up your scrips but you only have to see the doctor himself every 3rd month. The 2 visits between, you get weighed & BP'd then are handed those life-saving prescriptions. Drive over takes up to an hour, visit takes 5 minutes. But any of you on meds for chronic pain know you will do just about anything for a doc who listens, has compassion, and honestly wants to help you get at least a portion of your life back.

Until I found this doc (7 years after first beginning my search for a decent Pain Management Specialtist) I was required to sign as part of my contract with all previous specialists that I would NOT drive ever again as long as I was taking even the slightest amount of pain meds. If I chose to ignore this or any of the items on that long list of agreements, it would result in my being immediately terminated from their practice without being given ANY further meds. And anyone on chronic pain meds knows, take away food if you have to, but the removal of pain meds would send you straight to the ER for possibly an extended hospital stay if the pain was allowed to ever return to any pre-med level. I read an article once were many in the health profession confused the actions of true pain sufferers with those of addicts and I certainly see why. You do have many behaviors in common. Your prescriptions are of more value to you than any possession or relationship in your life. Without them, YOU no longer exist, just agony & inhumane suffering. Most have been forced to survive for extended periods on much less than adequate amounts of meds so if you have a few extra at any point, you guard them, horde them—just as any addict who needed them for their next fix. When this country is more concerned about the 1% (a researched figure I saw somewhere) who become addicted to pain meds than the huge % of sufferers who are grossly under-medicated, forced to live day after day, hour after hour, minute after agonizing minute of their lives suffering in agonizing, life-stripping pain for years on end with no relief in site, it's no wonder we horde any pain med we can get, saving it in lock-boxes or safes. It's our insurance policy for that day when we can no longer suffer another minute &, without it think we would rather not be alive suffering worse than any animal is ever allowed to suffer. There are stricter laws against cruelty to animals than there is against cruelty to humans suffering chronic pain. True pain sufferers also often attempt to get pain meds from multiple sources - just as addicts often do. Why? Same reason just stated - most doctors I've worked with are more concerned with mgs. & #s than they are patient suffering. They hand out the same measly meds to everyone coming through their clinic regardless of their true medical condition, amount of pain, or depth & length of time suffering. My own situation got so bad at one point that my husband was ready to find some way to buy me some medication illegally if he had to. I was completely broken and he could not stand to watch me suffer such agony for soooo long -- and I'm an extremely strong person, someone who has had pain all my life & learned early on how to block a great deal- enabling me to live a very active life, never realizing for the most part that I was even in pain until it became extreme. Of course, this also got me into trouble. There were a # of times I'd find out later that I'd been running on a stress fracture or other injury, making it worse & longer in healing. When the pain would finally register, I could usually think back & recall a bit of discomfort that I automatically blocked without realizing. It has taken me years to break this habit & even now I miss the start of a spike in pain until it becomes more severe. And with pain med, the sooner you take it, the more affective a smaller amount is - so it's something I NEED to correct but not something easy to do. I've done it the other way my entire life. Even as an infant, I had medical issues, pain. My parents always became irritated, even angry with any physical ailment. I probably learned then to not bother them.

Oops - did it again. Oh well, I wanted to eventually write the details of this bizarre illness as well as what it's like living with chronic pain. And one of the biggest aspects of a life in pain (Hey, that could be a book title: "A Life In Pain") *Warning: ADHD moment* is the near impossibility to get adequate, understanding, & compassionate care for someone truly suffering long term intractable pain.

And now the story continues ... I think ... *ADHD moment* I'm beginning to think the many who have asked &/or begged me to write my story: runner/active/electric ball of energy -> severe pain/bed ridden/trying to find a reason to want to live -> ??? -Please, PLEASE, God let there be a continuation of coming back to life! I'm almost afraid to even put any of this in writing. Might jinx it. There have been sooooo many times over the past 7-8 yrs that I'd think I was actually making some progress on the road to improvement, just to be slammed back down fighting for my life, again facing the realization that I might never get out of this bed for more than the forced dr apt. may have now changed their minds after seeing my long-winded entries and realizing my propensity to run around & thru many topics all while attempting to explain one simple occurence. Huh?

But now I really am continuing: So, I haven't driven at all for YEARS except a few short distances. Current doc thinks not driving is crazy. I knew that. I also knew most people ignored that agreement but we weren't willing to take that chance. I'd had enough trouble finding any pain docs anyway, I didn't want to piss off whoever I was using at any point in time. I also had no back-up plan. I don't know why pain docs seem to be the meanest, cruelest, heartless, jerks on the planet, but I've sure had my share of them. Maybe it's because they expect all patients to be drug-seeking addicts, who knows. Also, didn't want to ever have a situation where there was a crash of any sort, I was injured enough to have treatment in an ER, they find the pain drugs in my system, & the other party involves decides the cause of the accident - even if it was entirely their fault - was my "drug use" & decide to sue us for everything we have & have me arrested as well. So I followed the rules.

I never imagined how that one change—not driving—contributed immensely to my feeling more like a child than an adult. Add that to loosing everything in my life that made me feel like a functioning, contributing, worthwhile human being and it was, mentally, a really big deal. This newest doc said he has all his patients continue their driving once they become used to the medications. His philosophy (which is 100% correct) is that, once you've been on the meds for a period of time, you feel exactly as you did before you ever took anything - reaction time, alertness, etc. He has police, truck drivers, cab drivers, etc. as patients and in order to HAVE a life, you need to be able to drive. I cried when he said this! But since we'd had concerns & were being cautious, he suggested I be tested & certified, attaching a blood drug count to the driving test reporting my level of drugs at the time of testing to prove I was not a danger - all being admissible in court if the need should ever arise. Haven't done it yet but probably should since I hope to be getting my new car soon.

Yesterday was my scheduled apt to see the nurse to pick up my Rxs & I'd arranged for Robyn to take or go with me so Bob didn't have to take more time off from his own patients just to drive me around for several hrs for a 5 min. apt. Robyn was tired & I'd been wanting to drive her car again since I hadn't since right after we bought it for her one month earlier so she let me drive!!!!!!!! The dr is in Marrietta. It's freeway almost all the way but the last leg >north on I-75, from the perimeter (I-285)< is my least favorite of all sections of freeway I've ever driven in & around Atlanta. It's crazy ... packed all hours of the day & night - always full of impatient local & long-distance individual drivers along side more bad, dangerous, impatient, crazy truckers than anywhere else. It's a nerve wracking place to drive under the best circumstances. I was driving on the freeway for the 1st time in over 5 yrs, in my daughters new car (new to her - her prized & most beloved possession - always protected & babied) which is a MANUAL. Don't get me wrong. I L-O-V-E manual driving. Nothing like it. But it does take some getting used to. And I hadn't driven manual since we parted with the last car we buried almost 15 yrs ago so I still had to think about what I was doing rather than the driving itself being mindlessly natural. For the most part, the trip over was simply exhilarating! It was as hot & humid as it ever gets on a summer day in the South but we were zipping along in the hot little black Mazda Miata, 2 blondies, hair blowing in the wind, enjoying every second! Well, every second other than the constant parade of freaks who think honking & making a scene is something females enjoy. I'd love to see their faces if they found out it was mother/daughter in that car & not two young hot chicks!! Are there really females on this planet that find this sort of crude, disgusting behavior from slimy men desirable? YUK!

As expected, the apt was all of a couple of minutes. Then it was back out into the harrowing traffic on I-75, back the same path on I-285, then our attempt at following the directions to the work location of the woman from whom we'd bought the car. The 30-day deadline for getting the title transferred was almost up and Robyn still needed to get her sig. We made a few wrong turns, went out of the way & around in circles a few times but thankfully I'd driven that area regularly many yrs ago when I used to take MARTA downtown everyday for classes. We found it successfully even tho, had we had a map or I'd looked into it prior to leaving, we could have easily gotten there quickly & without ever leaving the freeway. But what fun would THAT have been! I was loving driving & shifting, & turning, & shifting, & driving, & .... anyway, having fun!

By now, I'd been driving several hrs total. That's probably more than all the hrs I've driven added together over the past 7 yrs! And shifting as well - which adds some tenseness to the formula. But I was still feeling pretty good. Something even just a few weeks ago would have not been possible ... maybe even a few days ago. I'd just suddenly had a couple of changes in the infection—sinus—the infections that possibly started much of this entire mess 15-20 yrs ago, so was enjoying feeling more on the human side of life.

Robyn needed to find a mall with several specific stores & the only one we knew for sure that had them both was the big Mall of Georgia - another 30-45 min drive ... unless you take the wrong freeway & it ends up being the long way there. So we had some lunch then zipped into the mall to pick up one thing return another. 5 or 6 hrs later :D we headed back home. Yep, I survived even a semi-marathon shopping adventure with my daughter without Bob being there to handle purses, piles of clothes, running around the store looking for different sizes & colors, decision time, etc.! I even managed to try a few tops (and this was HUGE as I'm not quite ready to be trying on clothing in front of store mirrors after laying around for so many yrs becoming heavier & flabbier than I ever thought I'd have to see my body become. Things are better & I'm close to being able to do this but I'd rather be in a little better shape & a little stronger so I can block what those mirrors & lights do to the look of your body!)

By the time we began the walk from the mall to the car, Robyn & I both began walking slower & slower. Normally fairly fast walkers, we both felt our exhaustion creeping over our entire bodies. We laughed when we slowed at the same time to the same pace for the same reason. And of course, our blondliness in it's usual full force, we couldn't find the car. And pace became even s-l-o-w-e-r. Once we saw the car & actually reached it, managed to reconfigure everything in the car to fit (2 bookbags, 2 bags from the mall, & 2 purses) we looked at each other, both rather pitiful, needing to decide who will be driving home - who can more safely make the drive in their tired state. We decided I would since I have years of shifting experience, Robyn has a few weeks. The minute we got situated, it begins pouring! So add to my day of new driving mile & miles & miles, now I'll be driving, a manual car, in pouring rain, on the freeway!! I think we finally got home somewhere around 8:30 pm.

And that is the long story of why I am sore all over today! But i-b-a-happy-camper!!! HeeHee!

Current Location: Home-watching the quick summer rain
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: A few random notes roaming thru my brain

Yeah, I'm still working on this. Long one, huh? But it IS my favorite holiday so there's lots & lots involved! But I promise, this is the end of the discussion on this topic ... until next year!!! hee-hee!

So I’m still asking myself - what is it? Why do any of us do this more than once. You could understand the 1st one, try it, be a part of what seems by many as so exciting. But you’d have to LOVE it to fight for a spot every yr. I know what brings me back. As I’ve told many, it’s like a big ‘ole hot party in the street. And for me this is the PERFECT. You don’t have to wear nice clothes or look spectacular, no dresses, panty hose, uncomfortable shoes w/ heels. It’s shorts, t-shirts, & my favorite—tennis shoes! But I’m one who loves activity, exercise, effort, sweating, pushing myself, the heat. Why do others who aren’t so inclined do it every year? I don’t know. They’re all kinds who do this race, especially now that it has been increased to 55,000 runners. There are young & old, fat & thin, fatter & fattest, tall & short, every color & every size & shape, & every running (or walking) ability imaginable. There are those who do it to seriously run, compete against themselves or others; groups who make matching t-shirts & all do it together, talking throughout, enjoying the social aspect; some who pack their drinks & have a big party throughout; kids w/ their parents, grandparents; some who may have just started a weight control program & are doing it as part of that plan; & the ones who come decked out in all kinds of elaborate costumes – some serious & patriotic, some absolutely hilarious. Whatever the reason, there’s a city-size crowd every summer running the largest 10k in the world, taking an hour for them all to cross the “Start” line. Another 250,000 spectators & supporters, family & friends line the route & Piedmont Park, where the race concludes. And most important, the 3,000 volunteers who make the race possible. The oldest runner this year is 90 … and that’s what I want to be doing when I’m 90!

Around mile 6, just b4 entering Piedmont Park, there’s a platform of photographers overhead shooting CONSTANTLY, trying to get a picture of EVERYONE in the race. You have to make sure you are far enough away from the person in front of you for them to catch your # on film – that’s how they identify you to send you a thumbnail copy of any pictures you are in, of course hoping you’d order copies. We’d usually try to be together, hands in the air, looking fresh, excited, ready for another 6 miles … when usually just before the photographers we were slumping in the heat, exhausted from the last hill, fussy from trying to find a way around or thru so many people, and dripping sweat. But no way are they ever going to catch THAT on those cameras. You can tell when you are near them – besides the fact that you probably just seen the “Mile 6” marker – everyone begins to perk up, get talkative, enjoy the race again! :oD Then you cross the finish line. It’s exciting, ecstatic, energizing but a little anticlimactic since there are no tapes to break – that happened about ½ hr before you even STARTED – & no fans since everyone you know is IN the race … or home asleep.

You have quite a walk ahead to go pick up the coveted t-shirt. But oh, that t-shirt. Now THAT’s a big deal—that’s the prize—& everyone wears it for the remainder of the day to all subsequent activities. It bonds you instantly to 54,999 of your best buddies! At this point, it’s often a little difficult to be patient & gracious as you are waiting in those L-O-N-G lines just to get the t-shirt. You’ve already walked a mile to your start location, stood an hour waiting to start, zigged & zagged your way over 6 miles, & now you are stuck STANDING, waiting for that plastic bag containing your t + a lot of ads, coupons, & trial size samples of various products. But you the excitement level returns when you are handed that bag … even the yrs that the chosen background color is the dreaded brown/tan or dark beige or an ugly gray or plain white – which would be fine except that sometimes the design is a bit bleak. You do want to love the shirt—you worked hard enough for it.

You know, you’d think this would be “the end of the story”: go home, live happily ever after. But we often forget, you do have to GET home! Well, 1st you have to make sure to meet up with all those you came with if you got separated, which usually happens. In the large Piedmont Park they fly large helium balloons printed with sections of the alphabet, to make finding your party easier. Since there are so many people with last names beginning with the common letters of S or T or R or almost any other letter, many people decide, “Hey, let’s be novel. This year let’s meet at Q or Z. There won’t be ANYONE at those letters!” just to find out that’s what a LOT of people do so you might as well use the actual letter of your last name! So you meet, discuss how it went for all, whether love or hate the t-shirt then head over for the free gator-aid, coke, & BEER! Then you decide you really need that bottled water they are handing out. There are usually bananas, granola bars, & other freebies used for advertising.

The exhaustion, heat, & painful knees & feet begin setting in, & for those of us who haven’t been able to continue high-level fitness over the yrs, there’s also the stiffness. Better get home before you can’t get home! Now what? Where IS a MARTA station from here? Start walking, just follow the crowd. And walk, & walk, & walk. That 1st station headed home is another good mile, at least! Ouch. You’ve probably been on your feet at least 3-4 hrs already! And if left standing on the train – well, just pray the stops aren’t long ones!

So you get home, crash on the floor, know your muscles will be sore tomorrow or later today, & you smile, knowing you’ll do it again next year!!!

Current Location: STILL mentally running the Peachtree Road Race
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: MORE bands along the route

Notice the date?? It’s July 4th—Independence Day. That day means a lot of different things to different people. Some actually remember & celebrate the birth of this great nation, the day this nation became “independent” from the mother country, came out from under the tyrannical control & that excessive “taxation without representation” … when this “teenage” country became an adult and stepped out on it’s own to make it in this world. (But unlike many young adults of today, it couldn’t go back home when the job, marriage, whatever didn’t work out!)

For many, having forgotten the original reason for the holiday, 4th of July is simply a day of picnics, family, watermelon, heat, & fireworks. Others it’s a welcome day off, often mid-week.

For me, this holiday, beyond all others (even Christmas) was, for so many yrs, my favorite. It fell in summer so the chances of cool or cold weather were pretty much “a snowball’s chance in hell”. For me, that’s great. There’s little preparation—the kind I typically don’t enjoy, anyway. And our traditions on July 4th were a full day of so many of my favorites. I’m not one who typically enjoys the typical holiday traditions—which so often revolve around food … of which neither the preparing nor the eating are my favorite things to do. In fact, cooking is very near the top of my “YUK” list. Tho I end up enjoying Christmas, it does involve soooooo much work—the shopping, decorating, cooking, etc. And the weather … yikes—too much cold for me … I’m not a “white Christmas” kind of person. And Thanksgiving is ALL about the food so that one is pretty much dreaded if I have to be involved in the preparation. It’s also a bad time of yr for me—it’s that time when there are none of the occasional warm fall days that surprise you in the South so the holiday is a reminder that the cold is here to stay and it’s a long time before the occasional early spring day pops up.

Aaahhhh – July 4th. What it used to be for me was … Preparation: getting ready for the Peachtree Road Race. During the days of running it each year, we were already spending much of our time at the gym, acting like idiots in “aerobics” classes taught by friends & attended by a group we’d bonded with yrs before in those classes. Many of us were there 3-4X/week or running anyway so preparation for the Peachtree took little effort. The effort came in trying to make sure you were one of the 55,000 people who got your application in in time to actually get a runner’s #. Believe it or not, THAT wasn’t always easy, especially before they increased the # of runners allowed. The application comes out in Atlanta’s big newspaper, the AJC, on a Sunday in mid-March. During the yrs when there were only 25,000-30,000 runners we would often make a special trip to the closest groc. store or gas station on the Sat night after they delivered the stacks of Sun papers. You couldn’t wait until receiving your paper Sun am, that could sometimes be too late. You’d have to already have copied the driver’s license of everyone you’re planning to run with. After making copies of & filling out the applications for everyone, you’d need to drive them to a main PO in the wee hrs early Sun am, hoping yours got to the main Atlanta PO early enough to be in the group of assured runners. Now, with 55,000 runners accepted, you still need to get that ap into a PO or mailed on Sun or 1st thing Mon am but it’s not such a nervous rush anymore. What absolutely amazes me is that there are THAT many people who want to get up early on July 4th & run/walk a hot, humid 10k (6.2 miles)!

July 4th Morning: up by 5-5:30am. Slip into running clothes laid out the night b4—usually trying to wear red/white/blue—making sure everyone has their race numbers & 4 safety pins to secure them onto t-shirts. Drive to MARTA & hope to find parking place. Leave everything in the car that you don’t HAVE to have but don’t forget $$ for MARTA tokens for the ride there AND back (believe it or not, we’ve actually forgotten the part about “the ride back” & didn’t have enough between us for even ONE ticket!). Then you wait on MARTA platform with hundreds of other runners, most barely awake, some in groups already enjoying each other. Rush onto the train as soon as doors open, making sure your entire group gets in together & the doors don’t close, leaving someone struggling to push their way onto the train. Ride—usually standing—trying to maintain balance while half asleep. Blindly & aimlessly follow the crowd, essentially walking your 1st mile just to get to your starting group … which is determined by the # & background color of your wearable # tag. There are 10 different groups now, the 1st obviously being those previously mentioned professionals. The rest of us consider this group pretty much non-existent. The next group, nonprofessional but usually runners who do compete – in fact, to be in this group you had to have qualified by a time from a prior sanctioned race. I got to be a part of this first group once – an amazing place for the Peachtree since you actually get to r-u-n! Most of the time in the P’tree, you are usually trying to run behind masses & masses of people, often getting stuck behind slower runners, walkers, some trotting along having a good chat with buddies, those in varied costumes, those who slow as they tire, some stopped for drinks or to chat, etc. so you do a lot of zigzagging around & thru people. So I figure, if I’ve run the entire distance, I should be able to add an extra mile or 2 for all the extra back & forth! But most don’t do the Peachtree to race or to get a good time—mostly, it’s just for fun. I enjoyed the year I did qualify to be up front, but honestly, I enjoy “the rest of the pack.

So what is it about the Peachtree Road Race that makes it such a popular event? Why would that many people fight for a coveted spot in a race that’s more than 6 miles long (outside the average length of most casual runners), takes place in the midst of the hot humid summer in the South, and requires you to get up so early on a holiday, one that can fall on any day of the week (as opposed to those that are scheduled for a Monday) requiring many to return to work the next day suffering from some very fatigued & sore muscles.

I’ve asked myself this question a thousand times since I AM one of those who plans life around being available to get that application in. Why did I enter the very first time? I wasn’t a runner—that’s when we were playing racquetball every chance we got and had just started doing those new classes at the gym they called “aerobics”. I entered because, from the first summer we moved here, after every July 4th, everyone asked, “Did you do the Peachtree?” And those who did, laughed, discussed it in detail & seemed to have an instant bond as if they’d been chosen to some honored secret society. So when a friend asked me to do it with him the next year, I excitedly exclaimed, “SURE!”

Bob & I both sent in application that year—drove them to the PO before midnight on Sat night, got in & started “training”. And oh boy was I terrible! That was 1979—we‘d been married just over a year. I’ll never forget struggling up my 1st tiny hill, just to look over & see Bob walking casually along. My best run was a casual walk for him? Now THAT pissed me off! How dare he look so comfortable & casual when I was struggling just to keep moving! So I said he had to at least APPEAR to be running … & try to make it look like it wasn’t so easy & he wasn’t enjoying it!

I was a LOT younger then so getting in running shape & building the mileage didn’t take a lot—it SEEMED like a lot at the time, but looking back, I laugh. To go from 0 to 6 miles now? Well just you never mind!! So I, fairly easily, built up the distance, made the hills without Bob having to pretend to run, & was beginning to almost enjoy the preparation. Like many things you do for the first time & have no real clue what to expect, most of the enjoyment & motivation was in the excitement & anticipation of the actual event. It was at this time—when the mileage was assured, tho difficult—that Bob won a trip to Hawaii through his company! Hmmm … the decision: a free week in Hawaii with a fun group of other couples … or stay home & run a hot race that I could b-a-r-e-l-y make, early on a summer morning. Yeah, I didn’t belabor THAT decision very long! We gave our #s away & enjoyed a week in paradise.

We did go through the exact process the next year & did the race. Having never done it before, and at that time there was no such thing as the internet, we had no idea what to expect. When I got that packet of race material in the mail, I read every word of it. The only part I actually remember was the line stating: “… to receive your t-shirt, you must complete the race within one hour of the time you cross the start line.” I wasn’t a “real” runner yet—not even a “semi-real” runner. I did what I considered to be “sports” – teams, courts, and throwing, hitting, & catching — you know, stuff with BALLS! I wasn’t sure I could do over 6 miles in under an hr. I’d done it a time or 2 in practice but that was on my best days. What if race day wasn’t one of my better days? What if I had to return to real life the next morning WITHOUT a t-shirt? Would I be forever marked as a looser? Would the rest kindly nod their heads, get a forced sympathetic look on their face and pretend to be understanding, then whisper in groups later, several of them taking occasional glances back at me as they laugh quietly together? And what about all the effort I’d put into it—all those hours in the hot sun - and remember, this was before I ever began enjoying running … at this time I still hated every minute of it. Just so you know, I don’t know anyone who loved to run from the minute they 1st tried it. Like me, most hated it but were doing it for some other reason - & that reason was enough to keep them out there for months at a time … until they became comfortable enough that it was no longer a dreaded struggle. Usually, you’d suddenly realizing you were no longer dreading every day that a run was scheduled. So if you are reading this wishing you didn’t absolutely HATE running and you can’t imagine how so many people can get out there day after day & do something so miserable – just realize, like you, they probably hated it when they started also – they just had something that kept them on schedule in spite of dreading it until their muscles/heart/lungs gained enough fitness to function efficiently and then begin to send out the endorphins. Also know, even many runners, tho they enjoy the run, the health, fitness, & weight control benefits, they LOVE the endorphins. I’ve never been addicted to any substance & never been much of a drinker, druggie, or the like – but I have to admit: My name is Jeanie and I’ve been addicted to endorphins. Oh, and probably adrenaline too. I had a friend once ask me, right after she’d just started her 1st ever exercise program, “What does it feel like when the endorphins kick in? Is it anything like an orgasm?” I can see it now, those of you who don’t do a sport or similar activity are thinking … “Hmmm, well is it?” I could leave it here, w/ those knowing the answer chuckling quietly. The others thinking they must be the only ones not knowing, possibly feeling stupid & afraid to ask! But I figure if my friend didn’t know, there might others. And, sorry, NO, it’s not quite like an orgasm. It’s not quite so sudden, intense, earth shattering – but it also lasts a lot longer personally, I prefer the endorphins. Don’t get me wrong, nothing like a good “O”, but I never became addicted. An orgasm will usually include the release of at least a small amount of endorphins but the release of endorphins does not include an orgasm. Endorphins are a bit more gradual but you do suddenly find yourself smiling, really enjoying the activity, feeling like you want to & could go all day - peace, contentment, self-esteem, on top of the world, capable, energetic, ready for anything & anyone.

Good lord, how’d I get so far off track?! A-n-y-w-a-y … my fears were calmed right before my 1st Peachtree when I was assured that (1) the hour begins being counted as the last run crosses the start line; & (2) there are many we’ve known who are obviously not runners, who walk it, & still get the t-shirt. So, tho I still had butterflies that day, it was more from anticipation, excitement, & general nerves. We finished with no problems and got that 1st ever-coveted t-shirt.

I realized this is going really long ... to be continued tomorrow!!! :D

Current Location: My mind: finish line, Peachtree Road Race, Atlanta
Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Whatever the bands are playing along the race route

Wow, this is a SUCKY day! Actually started last night. I started to go outside by 5pm yesterday, was out just under 30 minutes & suddenly began feeling sick to my stomach. Rested about an hr & ½, then was able to continue outside. Was out until after 10pm. OK, the last hour was really painful but once I get out there I really hate coming in. I have a hard time getting out, doing whatever I need to get ready & feel good enough to get moving. Sometimes it takes all day and I force myself out by 7pm just so I can have a couple hrs. The temp was soooo high yesterday that I just didn’t want to go in once it was cooler after dark. But, who knows what started it, why it started, or what all was going on but something irritated me. It’s usually more like I’m dealing with all I can and questions or something said will set me off. I knew I had forgotten to take extra meds after I’d been out a number of hours so that last hour or so was probably more than an hour after I should have already taken medication. It’s painful and after I’ve blocked it, dealt with it, &/or just survived it, I’m often maxed out – you’d say my tolerance level is shot. So I got irritated at questions or something Bob was saying. Oops, that set HIM off. He was now pissed.

I admit, late evenings I’m not so very tolerable so I often get short … with anybody. I’ve explained it. I have a lot to deal with and I DO try to keep intolerable feelings under control but by nightfall, I run short of blocking power. I block pain all day, I block other miserable symptoms – like feeling there are several tennis balls stuck up my sinuses and feeling fearful that this could just be the beginning of more infections, more surgeries, more weeks or months in bed, more medications that make me sick & destroy what little peace my body has. And there are other symptoms from the illness and symptoms from the medications like constipation, dry mouth & eyes, etc. And on top that, the other day my glasses broke so I glued & wired them back together. The new pieces are in but we didn’t get over to get them … so add to my tolerances, glasses that give me a headache, are crooked, & are just plain irritating. That’s just my physical body.

Then there’s the mental stuff I need to constantly block. The fear that any moment will be another turning point to misery. Every feeling or symptom could be a signal that I’m going down again. Every pain could be the start of something more or less permanent and I could be again stuck here – alone, miserable, unable to accomplish anything, never knowing if this is the way I will feel the rest of my life. Then add the dr appts when you can’t even imagine how you can possibly manage a shower, much less the rest of getting ready … then going & never knowing what you will hear, how long you will sit – miserable – waiting, how you will be treated and God-forbid, what on earth they are going to say to you, give you, want to do, think is wrong. And every minute of every day you ask yourself what you should be doing. Are you going to be able to get outside? Do you feel good enough to bother getting something to eat? Do you go now or wait? Did you take enough meds, vitamins, or do you need to hold off for the rest of the day? Will you take a shower today or wait until tomorrow morning … knowing you may not bother in the morning either since mornings just aren’t your best? Do you take this med or that? Will this help or make it worse? All day, every day … every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year … well, you get it.

On top of all this is blocking all the things that bug the crap out of you … every closet, drawer, room, corner is crammed with stuff, nothing organized, everything a mess bec it all gets stuffed away so the cleaning lady can at least find the floor & a couple of surfaces to clean. If it’s not cleaning day, my nightstand is so crammed full of water bottles, sticky notes, meds, hair clips, pencils, saline soln, you name it. All around me on the floor is books, papers, everything I’ve touched in the last several days plus all kinds of clothes. Drives me nuts. I used to not be able to stand “stuff” and cleaned up & organized all the time. Now I just leave it and try to block the fact that it’s driving me literally MAD! But I’m sitting on the bed, computer on my lap and the sheets are filthy … but I know I don’t have what’s needed to make this bed. It’s huge & needs sheets with pockets several feet deep and I certainly don’t want to ask Bob to do anything more than what he already does.

So yeah, by night I’m tired of blocking and I run short on tolerance. So he gets sick of it - & I can’t say I blame him. He feels like I’m always mad at him. I’m not, I’m just sick of me & my world. How do I tolerate him when I’m not even tolerating me? And how do I enjoy him when I’m not enjoying anything when I’m feeling this bad, painful, & intolerant. It’s tough – all our lives together we both thrived on my energy, enthusiasm, excitement, love of fun, and my action-packed ready-to-go let’s-hit-it ideas & lists of things to do. I was the one who made the plans, found a million things to do & kept us both rolling and constantly running & enjoying everything we possibly could. He loved it. Now I CAN’T do it, & he’s afraid to even suggest anything – never knowing if I’ll burst into tears or get angry because it’s just one more thing I want to do so badly & just feel too horrible to even try. I guess I recently realized just how much I’d gotten used to this crummy life. With Robyn home occasionally, I remember how much life there used to be here. I see her on the go, running from here to there, having fun, doing all those things I used to love and miss so badly. When she’s not here, I don’t see it so I can avoid and forget the world is still revolving & enjoying life while I sit & veg. It used to bother me a lot – for yrs. But I guess I’d actually forgotten & gotten used to not being involved. But I didn’t see it much until this summer – until watching my active, energetic, on the go daughter be … active, energetic, & on the go. I love it that she can & does. I just want to be doing it too.

So anyway, I woke up this morning still feeling upset about last night. I went to sleep still upset because I just didn’t want to deal with Bob’s not understanding that I am tolerating all I can. I just wanted to scream at him last night “Excuse me for inconveniencing you. I’ll try to not hurt so badly & be so sick, maybe then I won’t get scared, hurt, and tired and I can make sure you don’t have to deal with me!” I know, that’s horrible. He’s stayed with me, taken care of everything, constantly tries to figure out anything that might help and he NEVER stops trying to make everything as best he can. And I want to always be nice, pleasant, grateful, enjoyable, & all the other good things but sometimes I just have a hard time being anything but plane ole CRANKY. So he avoids me the entire day, hoping I won’t bite his head off. Oh, he asked me once if I was OK & I barely responded. That satisfied him. And later he came in to tell me he was going to Home Depot. I was crying – quietly – & he was in a hurry. I guess maybe I wanted him to notice & help me pull out of this … but I know it’s as hard for him as it is for me. I could stop him; force him to listen; to talk about it. But for some reason I just couldn’t. Why is it when you need help the most is the time you just can’t say anything to anyone? It’s when you need someone who loves you to know you well enough to know your insides are ripped to shreds & you need them more than ever. You want them to know you HAVE to be falling apart bec they know what’s going on will be so hard for you to take.

So it’s 8pm Sunday, I’ve sat in the same damn spot the entire day. I’m angry, scared, hurt, and a host of other really intense emotions. I feel like I’m going to blow. So now what?

What do I want to do? Turn the clock back. Yell at someone. Go for a run by myself. Get out the door & be gone by the time Bob gets back & make him wonder what’s going on. OK, not really, just feeling mean. I don’t know. All of the above; none of the above. I just know I’ve suddenly lost my resolve, my strength, my will. It’s when I start feeling like this that I begin to wonder why I’m here at all. I need a purpose, something to help me feel accomplished & useful. Some attainable goals. But goals now? R-i-g-h-t! All goals do now is make me feel bad & put pressure on me. It’s my body that determines what I do. And ultimately what we do so it’s STILL up to me to give the “lets go do this” cry. I also think I’m disappointed because, with my sinuses hurting so badly lately I’m afraid to do anything, much less go try to do the July 4th Peachtree Road Race. I’d planned to be able to run it some for the 1st time this year. I’d planned to start running by now and I’m not doing any. I’m waiting, hoping my body will fight this infection or whatever is going on in these damn sinuses. I keep thinking if I take a few days off they will be better …. but they never are. They get bad like this & I realize it’s time to go back for another one of those horrible ENT appts. Then I put it off & put it off some more until I think it might be getting better. Of course, I guess it really isn’t since it just keeps repeating the cycle. I want it gone! I want to not be afraid of it. The Drs all think it’s what set off this whole mess 7 yrs ago & sent me spiraling in 100 different directions downward, almost to death. It’s what made my immune system go haywire, giving it the wrong instructions, telling it to attack & destroy my tendons – any of them, all of them. It can do it again … even kill me. I just never knew, before all this, that chronic sinusitis can be this dangerous and HAS actually caused death. So I try to pay attention, give my body a lot of rest. But all this resting is putting me in the WORST mood. But not resting could make me really sick … & that puts me in the worst mood. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO??? I don't want to be struggling like this anymore! Sitting here in this damn bed all day isn’t what I’m supposed to be able to do now. I’m supposed to be up & doing more.

Over 4 months ago when I had the last surgery, this Peachtree was going to be my “coming out” I guess. I must have counted on this more than I ever realized. I can’t seem to snap out of this “bad place” – this darkness. I hate the yucks! Here’s a good motto: The Yucks Suck! or The Yuckies are Suckie!

Current Location: My bed. :o(
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: A "Woe-Is-Me" song in my head maybe?

JOURNALING:
I wasn’t at all sure how to begin … make that very 1st journal entry ...ever. So this page sat here blank for days – that very-1st entry being kind of intimidating. So, I decided to just … begin. Of course, it’s a little hard to concentrate – Wimbledon being on & all. Ooooh … Wimbledon. Just dawned on me, not always my best time of year! In years past, there were times the hours & hours of Wimbledon coverage on television was welcome entertainment. Then when I began realizing, too many yrs in a row, that I was watching & being entertained by those hundreds of hours of coverage because of some bizarre injury or illness, sometimes coming home from a hospital stay in time to catch both weeks of constant coverage. The 1st week of Wimbledon you could watch tennis almost all day, every day. When you need something to take your mind off something unpleasant, maybe painful, and you LOOOOOVE tennis, it’s perfect. Hour after hour of matches, drama, personal triumph, stories, agony, tears or disappointment & of elation. By the end of the 2nd fortnight, sometimes I’d be biting my fingernails, sweating, & reminding myself that the outcome won’t change my life - because I was supposed to be resting, not getting overly emotional & involved in a tennis match! Other years, there’d be none of my favorites left and I’d barely pay attention to what’s going on, sometimes not watching at all.

WIMBLEDON
I remember one year … men’s finals, as always, was on the last Sunday of the fortnight. I’m not sure the exact match-up, but I think Goran Ivanisevic was one of them. Pete Sampras might have been the other. Not sure why I remember the Croatian & not his opponent, especially if it was Pete – since I always loved pulling for Sampras (unless he was playing Andre Agassi) but this match went on & on & on. There’s no 5th set tiebreak at Wimbledon so they had to win by 2 games rather than 2 points if they went 5 sets. All I remember is needing to mow the lawn and that match just kept going back & forth. By around 12 games all, I had to get outside or I’d never get done what I needed. I think they ended up going to something like 15-13! And I can’t event tell you who won. Maybe Ivanisevic & that’s why I remember him specifically. Or it could be I remember him just because he’s kind of a strange, goofy guy who’d say some of the most bizarre stuff in interviews. Now I’m curious. May have to go online & look that info up … like it matters!

KID’s “CAREERS”
But this brings up a great point. This was one of the most memorable Wimbledon events ever. Between 2 all-time great athletes, both well known, heroes in their countries & many other countries, playing in the finals of one of the most popular & revered sporting events, & a sport I love and watched every top player very closely at the time … & I can’t tell you who won. So why, as parents, do we put so DANG much importance on our children’s sports performances (or any other activity for that matter)? Why is it so universally common for parents of athletes, especially, to become so obsessed about our children’s wins & losses, performances, advancements, skills mastered, etc. in a GAME they enjoy PLAYING? It’s the adults that have taken the FUN out of children’s activities. It’s the adult coaches that talk about a child’s gymnastics “career” when the kid is still in elementary school or the adult parents that plaster his room with Braves baseball posters & memorabilia, drag him to every game possible & begin talking about the day he will be pitching on that mound. It’s the adults that have turned every child’s “game” into dreams of stardom, Olympic medals, & usually less important, riches. This is a topic I am EXTREMELY passionate about and could actually write an entire book about … and have even been requested by many to do so. So I might not want to get too “into it” or we may be here all day & my book might actually end up right here … page after page after … well, you get the idea. Just suffice it to say, since my book isn’t yet written and I’m not going to bore you with all I want to say on the topic, if you have a child athlete (or child musician, or academician, or any other field you’ve envisioned him/her excelling far beyond others) re-think your thinking. Chill out, calm down, relax. Let them enjoy something they’ve found to be fun, without turning it into a career before they even get to college, sometimes even before getting to middle school. When parents (& coaches, teachers, instructors, etc.) make a child’s interest more than just that … an interest, you are putting life-long pressure on him - putting ADULT passion on CHILD interests, making mature adult plans when that child is simply enjoying what she is doing. Let her enjoy it before you make it her chosen career or ticket to fame. Once you turn it into a career choice or an Olympic dream, you are putting YOUR desires & needs on something that belongs to a KID. Let him enjoy it, see if he really has a passion for it, before you make it his career … put that pressure on him. And I’ve seen ADULTS close to 30 or sometimes beyond, when that much pressure is on, fold on the field, fall apart, burn out, crumble, sometimes turn to drugs or alcohol to escape the pressure. Sometimes the most talented can’t get to the top because all his life he’s had adult after adult see him as the next superstar and that kind of pressure day after day, year after year, when every competition is a like “Wimbledon final” & he’ll hit a point where he just can’t take another day. Most of us don’t really even know “what we want to be when we grow up” when we go to college at 18 - so by age 8, we really know even less. If he/she has the talent, the work ethic, the burning passion to be a superstar, you turning it into a career FOR him might actually add too much pressure, causing your plan to backfire. If he’s meant to be that superstar, you can give him the opportunities, support, & direction without the pressure … and HE can make it happen. If he only does it with your pressure, room décor, books, tickets, discussions, continual vision of the dream, then he will go only as far as he can by YOUR efforts, not his own. Someday you will BOTH be disappointed & she will, for the rest of her life feel like she failed ... and that she also failed you. OK, as you can see, I COULD go on & on. The last word I’ll say on the topic is for SeasonedRefinement – this applies to all your child’s interests, including the field of modeling. Oh, and God-forbid, those horrible “pageants” too many mother drag their little one thru, often beginning at only a few months old. It’s a scary scary scene, those pageants. And once they pull you in, it’s like a cult religion … you’re hooked. Like in many sports, in the pageant circles the judges, coaches, others tell you your child is exceptional, she could win it all, she’s stunning! Guess what, they just told 100 other little girl’s mothers the same thing that weekend alone. And your “stunning” little one is asleep in your arms with a fake head of hair because her’s hasn’t grown in enough. And at that age, I hate to say it, but most of them are adorable! (JMHO, of course :oO)

ANDRE AGASSI
Right now, Lleyton Hewitt is playing and I don’t even like the guy. I think his parent must have treated him like a diva, prim Dona, superstar all his life. He could win every match, every tournament … forever … & I still wouldn’t like the guy. He’s the kind you wish would fail. You can’t get behind him or support him ... he’s got a big enough head & praises himself enough, is a big enough fan of himself that he doesn’t need any more fans. He has himself … & his greater-than-God attitude and demands. Give me Andre Agassi any day. As an athlete, he’s FAR superior. As a human, he’s also FAR superior. He knows he’s human, he doesn’t consider himself any better than you me or that little kid in Las Vegas living in the projects … even tho we all know he has a talent few ever enjoy. OK, maybe he was kind of a jerk when he first began winning but he got the wind kicked out of him & came quickly down to earth. One would hope his parents “smacked him upside the head” for getting cocky. He became gracious, respectful, and went back to working hard & winning AND loosing with a great attitude. Sadly, this is his last Wimbledon. I could almost cry. He’s revered all over the world, given standing ovations just for showing up, and looked up to by other tennis players as well as the media, the zillions working behind the scenes, other athletes & fans from almost every sport, everyone in Las Vegas & much of Nevada, and especially little underprivileged kids in Las Vegas that he's so determined to give a hand up.

By contrast, Lleyton Hewitt has a number of fans, mostly fellow Aussies because they love a good tennis star and right now he’s about all they’ve got. But even a lot of Aussies are embarrassed to call him a fellow countryman. He had some early wins, but even after having some wind knocked out of him, he seems more demanding & cocky. Doubt it's worse, just seems that way. The media has little praise for him, as do coordinators & employees of tournaments. When he shows up for meets, he is sometimes booed … or worse, ignored altogether. Why? Because he is everything Andre is not. He makes more demands than most of the world's top players - demanding court privileges, air time, play time, court assignment, media coverage, you name it. He’s tacky to the media & complains about them often … then complains when they don’t write flowering praises of him. Act like a jerk & they report you to be a jerk … duh! He sees himself as above the fans, would rather keep totally separated from them … then wonders how they could ever boo him. Idiot. I had the sound off – it still wasn’t enough. Had to ff that match!

I didn’t pay attention to today’s Wimbledon schedule, just that Agassi had advanced into the 3rd round and WOULD be playing today – at least one more match at the All England Club. I think the US airing may be delayed, rather than live, so I’m afraid to go to the web site to look at the actual time of play for fear they might have the score posted or some huge article title … either “Andre, Done With Wimbledon For Good” or “We’ll See Andre For At Least One More Wimbledon Slug-fest”. So I’ll wait, like a good little tennis fan, anxiously awaiting another Andre “run ‘em til they drop” match.

JOURNALING, Part Deux
Since I’ve never “journaled” before, I’ve saved up a lot of words. Please don’t read this if (1) you aren’t interested at all … which won’t hurt my feelings. This is my life so I wouldn’t expect you to be interested … you have your own. And unlike many of this year’s SO freaks, I don’t have some inner need to impress a few hundred “fans” or even a few dozen with what I’m doing or thinking or any wise words I think you are waiting breathlessly to live by. And don’t bother with this if (2) you like those quickie entries where people tell the daily events of their lives (won my tennis match, Billy started t-ball today, Susie is the cutest one in her ballet class, & John will be out of town on business until next weekend). You know, those updates that keep family & friends informed because who has time for letters & email anymore. This is where I’ll be putting so much of what swims around my head day & night. And anyone who knows me well can tell you, there’s a lot of words and a lot of “stuff” swimming around up there. For a while it’ll probably be like a floodgate opened up. I’ve had very little opportunity to communicate with other humans (hey, at this point I’d even take aliens) for as many as 7 yrs. I have a lot to say when I AM able to communicate daily. Think what’s up there bursting my mental seams after such limited adult contact for so many years. Add the years I spent in the company of my child from infancy until adulthood (& even now at 22 it’s still pretty one-sided. Anytime I get really “into” a topic, she’s worse than any man I’ve ever known at using the passing "uh-hu", "yeah" to appease you, pretending to listen) & that’s A LOT!

ANDRE AGASSI, Part Deux
It’s on! It’s on! OK, now I’m nervous! It’s Agassi vs. Rafael Nadal. And you know Nadal is going to be gunnin’ for the elder. Reminding myself: the outcome of this match will not affect my life … the outcome of this match will not affect my life … OK, gotta go watch.

Current Location: In front of the TV - it's WIMBLEDON!
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: “Ghosts of Wimbledon” Boyd Tinsley from Dave Matthews Band

YIKES … I’m having too much trouble watching the Wimbledon match between Andre Aggasi and Rafael Nadal. Aggasi lost the first set in a tiebreak and the second 6-2. They're on serve in the 3rd. If he looses this one, that’s it for Aggasi at Wimbledon – he’s retiring after the US Open. Can’t say I blame him. He’s 36 & held on for a lot longer than most. He said he’d play as long as his body let him. And his body is amazing. He’s even said in the past that he never stretches. Just think. If he'd stretched before & after every workout, maybe he’d be like Martina Navratalova & still be playing at almost age 50! Of course, Martina only plays the majors (Australian Open, French Open, Wimbledon, & US Open) & doesn’t play singles anymore but she still wins or comes v-e-r-y close to winning in doubles & mixed a lot of the time. She’s remarkable! Then again, that’s how I envisioned myself. I honestly saw the rest of my life being as active as the middle. I never ever gave one single thought to not being active. You know how you picture yourself in your head, then one day you walk by the mirror and gasp & think, “Damn, who the heck is that staring back at me?!" That’s how I feel every day of my life. I wake up and have to remind myself that I’m not that same athlete that I thought I would be until I was ancient, I mean REALLY ancient. I’d see these old geezers “running” marathons (I used the little “ marks because I’m not sure if it’s really called running) & I’d think … “That’ll be me someday!” It might have taken me all day to get to the finish line, but I intend to keep running at least one marathon a year. Or if that gets to be too much, I would have take even one every other year. I wanted to be buried in my old smelly running clothes wearing my favorite, well-worn training shoes.

I couldn’t think of any reason I’d stop running altogether. Oh, sure, I expected time out for the occasional injury, maybe another surgery or 2 if I couldn’t keep going without it. But I could never see any reason I’d not want or be able to at least do some running … or, if not running, I know lots of “old folks” that can hit a mean tennis ball - playing doubles if they couldn’t get around the court very well. And since there are all ages at all different levels, I was sure I could find a team or hitting partner somewhere.

I wasn’t much for the team tennis play tho. But I was just about over that & was about ready to break down & join the team. Problem is, I hated serving. Wasn’t good at it - mostly because I hated taking the time needed to do it well. I managed to somehow pick up some amazing groundstrokes – hard & flat – that could out-hit most men around here. Never took a lesson, just picked it up from watching & listening to the announcers during matches on TV. Kind of came natural, I guess. And the sound and feel of hitting that loooonng hard flat stroke, ball flying past anyone on the other side of the net …. aaahhhh, how I miss it. So when Bob & I would go to the courts (we live in one of those all-popular swim/tennis communities they love here in the South) and there would be team practices going on at the time, I’d usually get attacked by the women for not being on the team. It was flattering because they’d go on & on about how much they needed me … then again; none of them ever saw me try to serve! So I figured I’d find a way to serve and someday actually play on the team … again. I did it for a little while once. Never actually got to play a match. The morning of my very first match on the team, I decided to go to the courts earlier in the day & make sure I could at least get my serve in the correct little square box and that I was ready for hanging out at the net since I spent most of my time hitting ground strokes from the back-court. I loved the net, just didn't practice it much. Serves went OK that morning. Net was going OK too … until Bob hit one a bit too hard & fast. I didn’t even get a chance to jump out of the way. I spent the rest of the day in the emergency room, making sure my right eye would be OK. Next match I would have played, I was walking around on crutches with a big purple cast on my right leg!! I did manage to play a little tennis with that cast on. Couldn’t STAND to not hit a ball for THAT many weeks … but I really couldn’t run get the ball so I wasn’t much use to the team. By the time I got that cast off, that season was over and I never signed up for team play again. I did, however, play a lot more tennis after that … you know, those long, low, flat groundstrokes.

The cable guy – well, rather, the “dish” guy – got here before Agassi’s match was over. He had to unhook everything to put the satellite in a different location so I have no clue what’s going on. Maybe that’s better. But if Agassi looses, I would like to see him exit the court, the standing ovation, the interview, etc. Wimbledon has loved him for years so even when he isn’t retiring, he gets so much attention and admiration. If today is it for him, I didn’t want to miss it. But this cable guy was supposed to have been here over a week ago … typical! He actually did come out, just didn’t have anything he needed to do the job. Said he’d be back the next day. That’s been over a week & he wouldn’t even pick up his phone or return messages all week! So we started over. What’s irritating is that a tree limb or something must have suddenly grown right into the line of the satellite. Aaalllll day long, probably 50-100 times an hour the dish would loose satellite reception. It’s summer & I don’t watch that much television but if I’m here alone and just want some human noise going on in the background … or if Wimbledon is on ... I’d get irritated after about the 1st 10 minutes. And this has been going on almost a month!

LATER: Well, Aggasi did loose and he was off the court by the time the cable … I mean satellite guy finished. I’m sure they will show it several times this weekend. It’s a big deal. ………….. HA! That last sentence reminds me of that movie “Anchorman – The Legend of Ron Burgandy” about an Anchorman in San Diego that thinks he’s a superstar. Introducing himself to a beautiful girl he wanted to date he said, “Do you know who I am? I don't know how to put this ... but ... I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important! I have many leather bound books and ... my apt smells of rich mahogany.” Ok, maybe out of context, especially if you haven’t seen the movie, it sounds a bit lame. But it’s one of those truly stupid-funny movies. If you are in the mood for one, watch it. It’s been out a number of yrs but it really is funny.

Current Location: The guest room, suburgan GA
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: None - just the sound of my own thoughts